Tired Of Living As An Omega

“I’m always sick, noona. It’s nothing new to feel unwell.”

Yeo-ri noona took special care of me among my siblings. While my other siblings visited only when we were younger, as they grew older and busier, their visits became less frequent.

I was sad, even though I understood them. I felt jealous. For me, family was everything. Growing up without a single friend, I was vulnerable to loneliness.

“Yeo-woon ah, are you upset?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Stop pretending and read what I brought this time. I went through a lot of trouble to bring it for you because you said you were bored. Are you not going to read it?”

Since Yeo-ri noona knew well that I was starving for entertainment, she took it upon herself to bring me something. Sometimes it was a gaming console or a sketchbook, but knowing my favorite was books, she volunteered to bring heavy stacks of them.

“…Do you want to read?”

“I thought you’d say that. Here, this is a hot new release.”

I read various genres of books without discrimination. Among them, novels were my favorite. Experiencing stories indirectly through novels somewhat lessened the longing to go outside. It was inevitable that I grew to love genre novels with thrilling and dramatic happy endings.

In those stories, I found peace. Even when my body hurt or I didn’t feel like eating, I could endure it with just one enjoyable story.

“…But what’s this? BL? It’s a genre I’ve never seen before.”

“Oh! No, not that one! That’s mine!”

I spotted a book of an unfamiliar genre among the stack of books piled on the hospital bed. Seeing it, my sister hurriedly tried to snatch it away from me.

“Give it here.”

“What’s this?”

“Don’t let our parents find out about it. It… It has something like that.”

“Oh, I see. Well, then I guess I should read it more thoroughly?”

“Hey! Go Yeo-woon!”

Ignoring my sister’s pale face, I snatched the novel and found that it was a story about two men falling in love. It was a type of story I had never encountered before, so I felt a different kind of allure.

“I asked you to give it to me!”

“Noona, you like this kind of thing?”

“…Please don’t tell our parents. If you want, I can even empty out my allowance for you…”

“I won’t tell them. But there’s a condition.”

“What is it?”

“That you let me read it too, since it seems interesting.”

“…You’re surprisingly open-minded, huh? Maybe because you’ve been stuck in the hospital room every day…”

Surprised by my response, my sister chuckled and kept her promise, relieved. Since that day, BL novels had been added to the genres I read.

To me, all genres of novels were like fantasies. It didn’t matter what type. Experiencing stories I couldn’t live by myself, witnessing protagonists grow and eventually find happiness, was my source of vicarious satisfaction and joy.

At first, my sister was hesitant, but as she saw me enjoying the novels without reservation, she embraced me as her fellow fan. Although my sister visited me frequently in the hospital room, we rarely had anything to talk about.

It wasn’t a bad thing to share our love for novels. I began to eagerly anticipate the moments when my sister brought new releases.

At some point, even my parents stopped visiting as often, but I didn’t mind. I assumed they were busy with work.

Little did I know, it was because of my ongoing medical expenses. The reason my sister sometimes wore a deeply sad expression was because of this. My family kept this fact hidden from me, so I simply hoped for the day I could leave the hospital.

Then, one day, the miraculous news came that I could finally be discharged. Thanks to the effectiveness of a new medication, my health had significantly improved.

“That’s good! Very good!”

“Am I going home now? I can attend school too?”

“Yes. You’ll still need regular check-ups and consistent healthcare, but now you can live like any other kid.”

It felt like Christmas had come early. I was overwhelmed with happiness.

“My wish came true.”

I had so many things I wanted to do once I was out. I wanted to go to an amusement park, make friends and eat street food. I wanted to stay out late and come home whenever I pleased.

But my time without hospital gowns didn’t last long.

“Yeo-woon ah!”

“Is it 119? Someone fainted here!”

The medication, which I thought was effective, caused side effects in my body. After stopping that medication and switching to a new one, my body reacted even worse. My health deteriorated rapidly, faster than before I was discharged.

Days of suffering passed, and I couldn’t sleep properly. As consciousness faded more frequently, even my beloved novels became unreadable.

“Noona.”

“Yeo-woon ah! Are you awake?”

“How long was I asleep this time? What day is it now?”

My voice cracked like dried fields. My sister handed me some water.

“Everything will be okay. Yeo-woon. Just focus on getting better.”

My sister avoided answering. Tears stained her face. I realized how dire my situation had become.

“Are you bored? I’ll read you a book.”

As if chased by something, my sister began reading a novel to me. I managed to raise my arm and poke her.

“I’ve read this novel before.”

“Really?”

“And I hated it because it didn’t have a happy ending. You did too. We cursed together about how neither the protagonist, Seo Eun-soo, nor the antagonist, Seong Chan-young, found happiness.”

That novel was truly the worst. Seo Eun-soo, the protagonist, was supposed to find love among the male leads, but he ended up alone. Seong Chan-young, the antagonist, met his downfall despite yearning for affection throughout the story.

Perhaps because it was a novel with a bad ending, I found myself more immersed in the antagonist, Seong Chan-young, than the protagonist, Seo Eun-soo. I saw similarities between his loneliness and mine.

That’s why I hated the novel. I resented Seong Chan-young for having what I couldn’t.

I couldn’t understand why my sister chose a book that she promised to never read again. 

“Gosh, what was I thinking? I didn’t intend to bring this.”

My sister hastily disposed of the book, throwing it into the trash. Seeing her do that, I had a gut feeling that I might end up in a similar situation.

My intuition proved correct.

My parents, unable to bear the burden of my intermittent consciousness and the mounting hospital bills, handed me a document relinquishing life-sustaining treatment. Their faces, stained with tears like my sister’s, were apologetic.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Yeo-woon ah.”

“At

this rate, you…… You will soon be in a vegetative state and won’t last long

.

… I’m sorry for being such parents, for making you suffer from the moment you were born…”

“…….It’s okay.”

But it wasn’t okay. I wanted to cry too. But with my fragile body, even crying wasn’t easy.

Despite spending a long time in the hospital, I could understand how things were unfolding.

Wrinkles had formed on my parents’ faces. My siblings were hardly around. Occasionally, when they visited, I could sense resentment in their glances, as if I had ruined our family.

If I had been healthy, if we had been financially well-off, would my parents have treated me like a sinner like this?

If my life was destined to end up in such futile pain and death, why was I even born?

“If I can no longer open my eyes, please stop the treatment.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

“I’m really okay. Thank you for raising me, Mom, Dad.”

I want to live.

I want to live more.

But if I’m going to die in the end, if my life ends here in this bad ending…

In my final conscious moment, I wished desperately and urgently.