The New Ego

The clock blinked 6:15 PM. I sat in my chair, the glow of my monitor reflecting off my face. My stomach was full of cereal, but my mind felt emptier than ever. The incest story I'd written earlier was submitted, and the payment notification popped up—$50.

"Fifty bucks for three hours of work. Is this what my life's worth?"

I leaned back in my chair, staring at the ceiling. The motivational speech from TikTok echoed in my head.

"Bitch, you have to wake up, or you're never going to take that first step!"

I scoffed. "What first step? Writing porn for strangers? Eating cereal out of a mixing bowl? Is this what they call 'hustling'?"

But deep down, I knew the speech was right. I was stuck. And if I didn't do something—anything—I'd be stuck forever.

I opened a new tab and typed, "How to change your life."

The search results were overwhelming. Articles about meditation, gym routines, productivity hacks, and something called "the 5 AM club."

"5 AM? Hell no."

I clicked on a video titled "Atomic Habits: Small Changes, Big Results." The guy in the video talked about starting small. "One push-up a day. One page of a book. One minute of meditation."

"One push-up? I can do that."

I stood up, rolled my shoulders, and dropped to the floor. My stomach pressed against the carpet as I tried to push myself up. My arms shook, and I collapsed after half a rep.

"Pathetic."

But I tried again. And again. On the fourth attempt, I managed a full push-up.

"One push-up. That's it. That's my first step."

I sat back down at my desk, feeling a tiny spark of accomplishment. Maybe I could do this. Maybe I could change.

I opened my browser and searched for "best books for self-improvement." The first result was "Atomic Habits" by James Clear. I downloaded a PDF and started reading.

The book talked about systems, not goals. It said to focus on who you want to become, not what you want to achieve.

"Who do I want to be?" I asked myself.

The answer came quickly: "Someone who doesn't write incest stories for $50 a pop."

I closed the book and opened my notes app. At the top of the page, I wrote:

Who I Want to Be:

Healthy (lose weight, exercise regularly)

Disciplined (stop procrastinating, manage time)

Skilled (learn something new, find a real job)

It felt stupid writing it down, like I was pretending to be someone I wasn't. But the book said to start small, so I added:

Today's Wins:

Did one push-up.

Read 10 pages of Atomic Habits.

By 8 PM, I was back on TikTok, scrolling through my feed. The algorithm had caught on to my brief moment of motivation and flooded my screen with gym bros, productivity gurus, and "rise and grind" quotes.

One video caught my eye: "How to build a morning routine."

The guy in the video talked about waking up early, drinking water, and journaling.

"Journaling? What am I, a teenage girl?"

But I kept watching. By the end, I felt a strange urge to try it.

I set my alarm for 7 AM—a compromise between the "5 AM club" and my usual noon wake-up time.

As I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, I thought about the day. One push-up. Ten pages of a book. A list of goals. It wasn't much, but it was more than I'd done in months.

"Maybe this is the start," I thought. "Or maybe I'll give up tomorrow."

Either way, I'd taken the first step.