The TS Memoir of a Misogynistic Novelist

The cow and goat chew their food again after swallowing it. This is part of their digestive process known as rumination. This process usually involves removing parts that the animal cannot digest.

Recalling a wound was similar to this.

The rumination of a wound is the process of properly digesting it.

Otherwise, it cannot be healed.

Everyone has to confront their past.

That’s what they say.

However, unlike cows, humans have only one stomach. The stomach acid of ruminating animals like cows is weak and does not damage the esophagus, but human stomach acid is not the same. If a human tries to ruminate, it would be no different from vomiting and would only leave another wound.

For that reason, the rumination of a wound was ultimately no different from self-harm.

That was why I tried my best to forget that incident. I didn’t want to engage in an act that was no different from self-harm again. If I forgot, it would be as if it never happened. Nothing happened at all.

So, I did not feel pain.

But in the end, that was just me being foolish.

Even if it was just vomiting, or merely self-harm, I had to ruminate.

I had to spit out the wound to remove it.

Even doing so wouldn’t make it a non-issue. The wound remains. It cannot be digested.

So, let’s just quietly swallow it.

But there are things that humans cannot digest. No matter how much one chews on a fatty fish, a human cannot digest it.

The food I ate at the Japanese restaurant that day naturally included sashimi, and I had no problem eating it. Being a high-end restaurant, the chances of it containing fatty fish were slim.

But I had unknowingly eaten it.

The fatty fish named ‘Lee Cheon.’

If one tries to forcefully digest what cannot be digested without spitting it out, there will eventually be a price to pay.

~

A few days later, I spoke with Ham Yejin again. I was worried I might stutter while speaking, but fortunately, I could act as if everything was fine without much difficulty. Ham Yejin mentioned that due to work, she would be traveling for a while and might not be able to visit.

However, she said to let her know if anything happened, but I, of course, did not mention anything.

I pretended to be ordinary, acting as if nothing was wrong in my daily life, but slowly people around me began to murmur about something. Naturally, since I was refusing to meet up, using my writing as an excuse, all it led to was suspicion.

Not entering the game, Jae-Ah expressed her concern about whether I had already gotten tired of her. It wasn’t enough for someone to figure something out, so I was able to dodge it reasonably.

Hwa-won mentioned that he was going to meet his fiancée in America at a good timing. Though he was given a year’s grace period, there are matters that cannot be ignored. Still, thinking something was off with me, he called often to check in, but he couldn’t find anything out over the phone.

As for Muk Ha-neul, it was a bit difficult. Even though she said she might not be able to meet due to preparing for a competition, she consistently contacted me. Fortunately, she seemed to realize that I was hesitant to talk on the phone, so most of our conversations were through text, and even then, I didn’t reply much, so there was no concern about the conversation continuing.

I didn’t have enough familiarity with Senior Su-Young to contact her, and I sent a brief message to Professor Seo because of the previous incident, but I received no reply. I no longer had a reason to contact the editor.

So, thanks to my pathetic human relationships, I managed to hide my condition without any problems for over two weeks, I didn’t meet anyone during that time, and aside from when I threw out the books, I didn’t go outside.

Looking through my contacts, there was no one else who would call me besides these people,

I thought.

If I hadn’t had such a notification, I might have thought so going forward.

As everyone knows, CocoaTalk has a feature that notifies you of the birthdays of registered contacts. I don’t keep track of other people’s birthdays. I don’t even know my birthday. So, this feature was somewhat helpful. After all, I should have sent at least a gift certificate for chicken for the editor or Gang Hwa-won’s birthday.

And now, CocoaTalk had a notification saying someone’s birthday was today.

It was an unfamiliar name.

Ji Kang-hyeon.

Today was Ji Kang-hyeon’s birthday.

And only then did I remember that I had spent a night at Ji Kang-hyeon’s house, and while I didn’t meet him in the morning, I had exchanged contact information with his mother, Seomun-sook, to thank him later.

Surprisingly, I had completely forgotten about it for over two weeks. Of course, given my situation, it wasn’t strange to forget, but still, failing to contact someone who had helped me was a very rude act.

Ji Kang-hyeon also hadn’t contacted me for two weeks, but since I was the one who said I would reach out first, there was nothing to blame him for.

It would be appropriate to contact him now. But if I reach out today, I also had to prepare a birthday gift. To contact him on his birthday without giving him any gift? I couldn’t even guess what kind of thoughts could be going through his mind.

After all, I was reaching out to express my gratitude for helping me, so it made sense to give a gift. However, I didn’t even know what Ji Kang-hyeon liked.

Moreover, considering the fact that he had helped me and even treated me to a meal (specifically, it was Seomun-sook, Ji Kang-hyeon’s mother), it felt inappropriate to just send a chicken gift certificate carelessly like I did for Gang Hwa-won.

When I searched for Ji Kang-hyeon on the internet, various information came up. He seemed to be quite a famous celebrity, and there were stories about him, including the previous rumor about him dating Kang Chae-eun, which he mentioned directly. It seemed they broke up shortly after the dating rumor arose.

He had an astonishing number of scandalous rumors for his age, but at 16, there wasn’t much problem with that. At that age, past rumors were probably just childish play. However, the rumor with Kang Chae-eun seemed to attract a lot of attention because the other party was an idol. Both agencies vehemently denied the allegations, although it seemed he himself claimed they were indeed dating.

Regardless, that was not what mattered. I first looked for information about his favorite food and potential gifts, but I couldn’t find anything significant. I also searched for gifts that teenagers typically wanted, but it yielded little practical use. Considering that he was a former child actor, he probably earned quite a bit, so ordinary gifts might not hold much significance.

He mentioned liking web novels, so I thought about giving him several books… but I doubted he would enjoy the books I read. After all, he was the type who openly claimed my stories were boring.

Since I couldn’t find a resolution after thinking, I decided to text Ji Kang-hyeon first.

[Thank you very much for what happened last time. Sorry for the late contact.]

The reply came in sharply.

[Just talk comfortably, why the sudden honorifics?]

[Then I won’t decline.]

[Wow, but I was seeing when you’d contact me, and you just now do?] [Honestly, you remembered after the birthday notification, didn’t you?]

…He was sharp.

[Yes.]

[Your replies are a bit short.]

[You also switch between informal and formal speech, and I’m older than you.]

[Haha… sorry…] [But honestly, I forgot too.]

[Anyway, thanks.]

[But what exactly happened that day?]

I expected this question to come up. It seemed that there was no consideration in him to gently pass over matters that someone might want to keep hidden.

[No comment.]

[You picked up a fallen person, took them to the hospital, brought them home, fed them, and you’re hiding it?]

[Most of the work was done by your mother.]

[If it weren’t for me, I wouldn’t have even stopped the car there and just left~]

[Anyway, don’t ask.]

[Is it a woman’s secret? Something like that?]

[Shut up.]

I was momentarily taken aback by Ji Kang-hyeon’s words, but fortunately, such emotions didn’t show through in the text. Continuing to talk with this rude and thoughtless guy was exhausting. I should just ask what he wanted and give him a gift, then end the conversation.

[Anyway, happy birthday.] [Thanks for your help last time.] [If there’s something you want, let me know.]

[Porsche?]

[Don’t joke around.]

[I’m serious.]

[Stop being so extra.]

[I mean it.]

[Don’t push it.]

[That’s too much.]

Is being 16 really like this? I thought I wasn’t like this when I was 16, but then I was in an orphanage, so that would explain it.

[But there isn’t anything I particularly want.] [Then I’m bored, will you hang out with me?]

[?]

[I just came up to Seoul and have no schedule, and it’s my birthday, but I have no one to hang out with. So bored.]

[What?]

[If I were dating Chae-eun noona, I’d be hanging out with her, but it’s all ruined because of you ㅠ]

[What?]

[Actually, we fought because of something I said on the broadcast, and that’s how we broke up.]

[I searched, and the dating rumor circulated, and they denied it altogether. Isn’t that what caused the breakup?]

[This isn’t getting through, oh well.]

[Shut up.]

[Anyway, hang out with me, I don’t have friends in Seoul.]

[No friends?]

[Just saying) You don’t seem to have friends either, uncle.]

[Want to die?]

[Scrape?]

If he had been next to me, I wouldn’t have hesitated to smack him once. Is this the power of being 16 these days? I never intended to go out, but out of a momentary impulse to hit this guy, I seriously considered going out.

[Really, don’t you feel sorry for me? It’s my birthday, and I broke up with my girlfriend, so I can’t go out on a date and have to just stay holed up at the dorm.]

[What’s your manager doing?]

[Hyuk-jin? He takes time off to go on vacation with his girlfriend when I have no schedule.]

[Does he have a girlfriend too?]

[He seemed like he wouldn’t have one.]

[What about family?]

[I said I’m in Seoul.] [Since you came to my house last time, you should know my mom and dad live in the countryside.]

Huh.

I let out a heavy sigh. It seemed that it was indeed true that he had no one to meet. I really didn’t want to go out. But the fact that I had no one to meet on my birthday was a little hard to overlook.

As I mentioned, I don’t know my own birthday. I obviously have a legal birthday. It’s the day I was abandoned in an orphanage. I never think of that day as my birthday. I don’t remember it well, but I always feel terrible on that day.

In the orphanage, they do celebrate birthdays. They don’t throw a party, though. They just give small gifts like notebooks or pens sometimes. They don’t even cook seaweed soup. If they were to cook seaweed soup for every child’s birthday, they’d spend two months eating just seaweed soup.

So, saying that I’m lonely because no one is around on my birthday is a sentiment I can’t sympathize with. I’m not only lonely on my birthday.

Surely, even if I don’t go out today, it wouldn’t matter to him much. Unlike me, he has family, friends, and fans, so unless this year is particularly unlucky, he could always find someone to celebrate his birthday with.

It was probably just that simple.

Yet, for some reason, that trivial fact that I couldn’t relate to was bothering me.

Logically speaking, my state was certainly not normal. I still had nightmares and couldn’t write. I didn’t want to meet anyone, and the thought of that incident still sent chills down my spine.

So, it would have been right not to go out.

But there was an unavoidable childish stubbornness that arose from that.

I desperately asserted that I was normal and pretended that nothing had happened. But what was the reality? Until now, I hadn’t met anyone, but I couldn’t live like this forever. I could no longer keep pretending.

I had to be real.

If ‘nothing had happened,’ then there should have been no reason for me to not go out.

And ‘even if something had happened,’ it was two weeks ago, so I shouldn’t be holding onto it any longer.

I was never a girl to begin with, so there wasn’t a need to suffer over something like this.

It was a really foolish and silly excuse. A pathetic, childish reason.

No one would believe this kind of sentiment.

Not even I could believe it.

[…Where should I go?]

A thought crossed my mind at the corner of my head.

Perhaps I simply wanted to meet someone.

And the most suitable person for that someone was,

Wasn’t it someone who had seen me that day?

Ji Kang-hyeon was the only person who saw me walking in the rain, out of my mind.

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