Episode 001
Episode 001
Beyond the square glass door.
The image of my father smiling brightly in the photograph.
I bowed my head in front of it.
“Father, I’m sorry. I failed again.”
Father continues to smile without any response.
“But it’s okay. I can always try another audition. Today, I have a very important audition. You know, Father? Director Kim Pil-sung.”
Father keeps smiling.
“I’m going to audition for him today. I’ll do well, so please wait for me?”
There’s no response from father.
He just keeps smiling.
“Then, I’ll be going now.”
I greeted my father and turned my head following his gaze.
There, the waves of the fountain were beautifully breaking along with the sunlight.
It was the most magnificent view you could see at the Silver Memorial Park in Byeokje-dong.
* * *
Three hours later.
A man’s voice echoed in the audition room.
“Participant number 138. Lee Si-joon.”
“Yes.”
“Do you think this is a children’s playground?”
I was at a loss for words at the man’s question.
I should have said something, but no words came out.
The man’s piercing gaze and angry tone were intimidating.
But more than anything, the fact that the man asking this was one of South Korea’s top film directors put immense pressure on me.
The man’s name was Kim Pil-sung.
When I couldn’t give any answer, Kim Pil-sung clicked his tongue and continued speaking.
“I remember you, Lee Si-joon. It’s impossible not to remember. It’s not often you see someone this handsome.”
“Thank you.”
“I didn’t say that for you to thank me. I’m saying that’s the problem. How long have you been an actor, Si-joon?”
“If I include my time in theater… about 7 years.”
“That’s longer than I thought. That makes it even more disappointing. How can you only be this good after 7 years of acting? Don’t you know what people call you?”
“…”
Of course, I knew.
Pretty Garbage.
There were other nicknames, but people usually called me this.
The reason was simple.
An actor in name only, with just a good-looking face but terrible acting skills.
At first, being an actor was easy.
Theater groups, agencies, production companies, broadcasting stations.
Everyone was desperate to have me.
So, for a while, I thought I was extraordinary.
Even though I vaguely felt my acting was lacking…
I believed that looks were a talent too.
There was a time when I believed this.
But it didn’t take long to realize that wasn’t true.
When I got the lead role in a cable drama by chance.
When I had to shoulder the responsibility of leading a drama as the main character.
I had no choice but to realize.
That I was only meaningful as an actor when I existed as an extra.
To many directors, I was just a “flower screen” for the success of their work.
The most well-received object among the flower screens cast to enrich the visual appeal of the work.
The fact that GIFs from the drama where I played the lead were still circulating under the name “Acting method of a common face genius in the peninsula.gif” was proof of this.
“I’m sorry.”
I couldn’t properly answer Director Kim Pil-sung’s question and lowered my head.
But despite the apology, Director Kim Pil-sung didn’t seem to calm down.
I could guess the reason without hearing it.
It was clear that Director Kim Pil-sung thought I was a rude person.
A bastard who relied only on his face without any skill, trying to appear in his movie.
Director Kim Pil-sung opened his mouth with a cold expression.
“I don’t believe in saying someone has no talent. Honestly, I’m certain that if Si-joon had consistently worked hard for 7 years, he wouldn’t show such poor acting skills. But what about you?”
“…”
“You showed terrible acting skills. Honestly, I didn’t like you from the moment you opened your mouth. Your tone, expression, breathing. Everything was awkward. If you wanted to participate here, shouldn’t you have shown acting that at least demonstrated a willingness to improve?”
“…”
“But what was the result?”
“…I’m sorry.”
“Why do you keep saying you’re sorry!”
Finally, Director Kim Pil-sung exploded and shouted.
But I didn’t think Director Kim Pil-sung was a bad person.
Rather, he was one of the kind ones.
The fact that he said he “doesn’t believe in saying someone has no talent” showed that.
As someone in the same industry, Director Kim Pil-sung sincerely wanted me to show room for improvement.
I looked at the other examiners sitting next to Director Kim Pil-sung.
The two of them clearly had no interest in me.
One was fiddling with their smartphone, while the other was just intently watching Director Kim Pil-sung, seemingly impressed by his words.
This was the reality.
Director Kim Pil-sung, seemingly realizing this reality too, sat back down.
Then, with an expression like everything had become bothersome, he waved his hand dismissively.
“You can go now.”
“Yes. Thank you. I’ll take your words to heart.”
With that, I turned to leave the audition room.
Then suddenly, I thought it would be right to share what I knew as well.
A hope that someone like Director Kim Pil-sung might turn this story into a good work too.
“And…”
“What is it?”
Director Kim Pil-sung asked with a tired face.
I looked at that expression and gently smiled.
“I don’t believe that everyone has talent.”
Director Kim Pil-sung’s expression changed curiously.
“What?”
“Just saying. Well then, goodbye. I’ll see you again.”
* * *
After leaving the audition room, I hesitated for a moment.
The sunlight that was beautifully breaking the fountain had become even stronger.
‘I was going to have a drink, but… I guess not.’
Come to think of it, I auditioned for this work out of my own greed in the first place.
So it wasn’t a problem to blame anyone over while drinking soju.
I pulled my hat down tight, put on my mask, and got on the bus heading home.
Fortunately, no one on the bus recognized me.
It was natural since there weren’t many passengers on the bus to begin with.
After passing a few stops like that.
The number of passengers increased by three or four, and I could hear the voices of two high school girls sitting in front of me.
“Wow! So handsome! Look at this.”
“Oh? It’s Lee Si-joon?”
“You know him?”
“Of course I do. He’s famous for being a face genius.”
“Then why didn’t I know about him?”
“It’s understandable that you don’t know. He relied on his face and got cocky, but when his lack of acting skills was exposed, he crashed and burned.”
“Is his acting that bad?”
“Absolutely. There were controversies about his acting even when he was an extra, but as soon as he got a lead role, his lack of skill was fully exposed.”
“What was the title?”
“Secret Investigator.”
“Ah, I know that one. It’s the only drama starring Kwon Ye-ji that flopped. So Lee Si-joon was the male lead.”
“Even though it was an OCN drama, still. The ratings were a complete disaster. By the way, what’s he doing these days? I haven’t seen him at all.”
“Well… Since he’s good-looking and has a decent physique, he’s probably making a living doing some modeling work or something.”
“He’s so annoying… but he’s handsome, so I like him.”
“Ugh. Go away, you face-obsessed fan.”
“You’re the one who brought up Si-joon first, you know?”
As the two high school girls’ conversation was coming to an end, the bus arrived at my destination, and I got off through the back door with my hat pulled down tight.
It wasn’t the first or second time I’d experienced this, but I couldn’t help feeling uncomfortable.
Feeling a bit deflated, I walked to the officetel where I was living on a monthly rent.
* * *
Room 1002.
As I opened the door to the officetel and entered, the smell of old notebooks greeted me.
It was my “Script Analysis Notebook” that I had been accumulating over a long time.
I took out the one I had been using most recently.
On the cover of the notebook, the words “
“Sigh.”
A belated sigh escaped me.
But soon I shook my head and opened the notebook.
Then I wrote the following in an empty space:
– Final rejection from the audition.
– Need to re-examine problem awareness.
– Have I given up, frustrated with myself for being merely a decorative piece?
– If I had the will to improve, why haven’t I improved in 7 years?
– Re-confirm my position.
I wrote this much and closed the notebook.
Then I turned on the camera placed in one corner of the room and acted out exactly as I had done at the audition today.
It was to check what the problem was.
“No. I don’t know. If I could say I hear something that can’t be heard, would… everything be okay?”
I gave the best performance I could.
It was difficult to recognize my own problems when I was actually acting like this.
But my performance recorded on the test camera was quite different from what I thought.
[No. I don’t know. If I could say I hear something that can’t be heard… would everything be okay?]
As expected, looking at the recording, I could immediately identify the problems.
My expression was awkward and my vocalization was unstable.
Even though it was just a test recording, I stumbled over my lines as if I was nervous.
For the past month,
I had constantly analyzed
But it was all in vain.
When it came to the actual performance, everything turned to nothing.
No matter how much I practiced, my head and body always acted separately.
This was the innate problem I was born with.
‘Honestly, I didn’t like you from the moment you opened your mouth. Your tone, expression, breathing. Everything was awkward.’
Director Kim Pil-sung’s evaluation was blunt but nothing but the truth.
“Sigh.”
I let out another sigh and then opened the notebook again to write the following:
– Plan failed. Still awkward in many areas. Will increase basic training time.
Then I suddenly stopped the pen and smiled bitterly.
‘Well… Will it really improve if I do that?’
I tried to pull myself together, but a negative thought popped up momentarily.
Even now, I was pouring all my time into basic training, except for sleeping and script practice.
But soon I shook my head.
‘No. I need to try harder.’
That’s right.
I had no choice but to put in effort.
After years of acting, I knew this was the best I could do.
If I didn’t prepare like this, I couldn’t even blink properly in front of the camera.
‘It wasn’t this bad originally…’
In my first year of debut, I rushed into acting without knowing much.
There were times when I went into filming after just reading the script once, mistakenly thinking I had talent.
‘Just looking pretty and smiling well is enough.’
Originally, this was all that directors expected from a decorative piece like me.
But after seeing myself as a lead actor on the TV screen,
I could no longer act recklessly like an ignorant novice.
I was embarrassed.
I was so ashamed that my arrogance and conceit felt disgusting.
‘This isn’t right.’
So I decided to start over from the bottom.
I tried to become a person suitable for being an actor and realized after thousands and tens of thousands of practices.
That I was terribly uncoordinated.
After realizing this fact, I couldn’t even gather the courage to stand in front of the camera without practicing thousands and tens of thousands of times.
[It’s okay. If you’ve realized the problem, you can start over. Your father will enthusiastically support your dream. So cheer up. Won’t anything be possible if you keep practicing?]
My father’s voice echoed in my head like an auditory hallucination.
My father was the only person who supported my dream until the end.
‘Father. I don’t know. Is it right to keep doing this acting that’s not improving?’
I asked my father in my heart and then shook my head.
This was not the time to spend pitying myself like this.
It wasn’t because of the last bit of self-esteem I had left that I was thinking like this.
Anyway, I was lucky to be able to act for 7 years despite lacking skills.
I shouldn’t forget this part.
I picked up the pen again.
– If there are actors who shine the brightest, there are also actors who shine moderately.
– I’m happy just to be able to act.
– Thinking that misfortune is mine is also a kind of arrogance.
After writing that, I closed the notebook, put it back on the bookshelf, and got on the bed.
I felt like I could practice again after getting some sleep.
* * *
In the dark room.
The script analysis notebooks filling the bookshelf started to shake.
Woooong.
Then one notebook fell onto the desk and opened, and a white light began to erase the words written in the notebook one by one.
But the owner of the notebook was still asleep, unaware of all this.
The owner of the notebook tossed and turned, talking in his sleep.
“Father….”