The Defeated Heroine I Married Cannot Forget The Protagonist

✦  Chapter 5  ✦

「Translator - Creator」

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"Is this really the Espera Order?"

"Are you doubting me? Where else would the Your Holiness reside if not here?"

"Ugh."

"Don't strain yourself and stay in bed! There won't be another chance. Try to get up, and I'll knock you out right away."

After a lengthy bout of stubbornness, Shirai reached a successful compromise with Ihwa; one lap around the room and back to bed, but only with Ihwa's support.

Once back in bed as promised, she quickly assessed the situation. First, her bedroom wasn't this spacious. Judging by the room's layout, this was undoubtedly the top floor of the Espera Order where she had lived for seven years.

Her return to the Espera Order, Ihwa's presence, fuller hair, smoother skin, and her eyes — once again sealed in darkness; with this much information, even an elementary schooler would have figured it out — she had somehow returned to the past.

Considering the silence outside and Ihwa’s guarded demeanor, it was easy to deduce that only a handful—or perhaps no one else—knew about her regression.

‘So then… why did I even bash my head in the first place?’

The loss of her sight again was, unsurprisingly, inconvenient and frightening; the thought of never seeing that beautiful night sky again left her with a pang of regret.

But she had steeled herself long ago.

She was willing to sacrifice her sight if it meant returning to the past.

After all, she wanted to see Mate Daylight not as Shirai Stardust, but as simply Shirai.

"I don't understand."

"........."

"Why on earth did you harm yourself? And to be honest, you’ve been acting very strange today. It’s like you’re a completely different person."

Shirai’s forehead, now bandaged with gauze and adhesive strips, throbbed faintly.

Judging by the lack of commotion within the Order, it seemed Ihwa had decided to keep this incident to herself.

"I'm sorry. I must have been under too much stress lately."

"You think that's enough of an excuse? You even said something ridiculous about me being Princess Niphia's aide..."

Ihwa would indeed become the aide to Third Princess Niphia several years later. Shirai had inadvertently spoiled her future.

'Just because I said that once... it shouldn't affect the future, right?'

Like most people, Shirai was harmless when it came to time loops.

It was only natural for Shirai to tread cautiously when speaking of the future, knowing how even a single word could trigger unforeseen consequences.

"Ihwa, how long until my Academy enrollment?"

"...36 days."

So she had returned about ten years into the past.

Which meant she hadn't met Mate yet...

"Wait!"

"What, what is it?"

"Don't we have inspection schedules starting tomorrow?"

"Yes, you said it yourself, Your Holiness. We need to investigate religious organizations of medium scale and above one last time before preparing for your Academy enrollment."

Shirai could barely contain her heartbeat.

Even though she already remembered the names of every church on the inspection itinerary, she asked Ihwa once more for confirmation.

"Tomorrow, we’re set to visit the Lutheran Church, the Trix Church, and the Arcana Church. The day after tomorrow, the Ercelli Church, the Scarlet Church, and the Eric Church. On the third day, it's the Catalina Church, the Tulance Church, and the Daylight Church."

In truth, she just wanted to hear the name "Daylight Church" from someone else's lips. She wanted to feel the reality of her time travel through another person's confirmation.

"This isn't some kind of jest, is it?"

"What are you talking about?"

Ihwa was terrible at lying.

Her voice always trembled when she lied; that bold attitude was definitely not a lie.

This confirmed it — she had indeed returned to the past.

"Please prepare the carriage immediately."

Since the inspections were starting tomorrow anyway, she could head straight to the Daylight Church. Shirai decided there was no need to wait any longer.

"Wh-what are you saying? Absolutely not! That’s impossible! Besides, you have a scheduled event in just an hour."

"That's just group prayer, isn't it? Can’t they hold it without me?"

"What meaning would prayer have without Your Holiness in attendance? The other members of the Order have unwavering faith in you, Your Holiness. Surely you understand that better than anyone."

"But there's somewhere I absolutely must go..."

"Your Holiness, Shirai..."

Shirai clasped her hands tightly, conveying her desperation.

Watching Shirai, who always tried so hard to focus her sightless eyes on something, made Ihwa’s heart ache in ways that felt unbearable, as though it were being torn apart.

She had been by Shirai’s side through all her struggles as a blind woman, more than anyone else. And now, though Ihwa could sense something was off about Shirai, she couldn’t help but hesitate.

"This is the first time I've begged like this... Please, isn't there any way?"

"Haah..."

Ihwa pressed her fingers against her temples, deep in thought as she weighed her options.

If she allowed Shirai to leave without proper permission from her superiors, she might face consequences. Her pay could be docked—or worse, she might even be fired.

If she lost her position, she might never see Shirai again.

The mere thought of losing the pride she had built over the last five years was terrifying. And putting her only source of joy on the line like this felt like an impossible risk.

"...Alright."

"Really?! Thank you, thank you so much!"

"But not right now. Let's compromise - we'll go together at 9 PM. I won't budge on this no matter how much you plead."

Seeing Shirai's excitement as she clasped and shook both hands up and down, Ihwa couldn't help but smile warmly.

Though she felt guilty for thinking it... 'It's fortunate you can't see right now.'

She would surely have been teased if Shirai had caught her smiling.

"............"

Soon, they would meet.

Not as Shirai Stardust, but as Shirai.

Not as Mate Moondust, but as Mate Daylight.

A tumultuous blend of bitterness and elation welled up within her, two emotions that should never coexist, yet did in her heart; they flickered together in her sightless eyes, intertwined and inseparable.

𓆩♱𓆪

A one-on-one meeting with the church leader whom everyone considered God's messenger. Anyone would want to cry and plead their grievances at such an opportunity.

An intimate counseling session in the confessional, facing each other. The previous visitor had been a woman, which was somewhat better, but...

"Hic... hiccup...!"

Should I call him a young man rather than a middle-aged man? Though awkward to mention, watching a muscular man in a short-sleeved shirt sobbing wasn't particularly pleasant to witness.

"Please calm yourself. God doesn't wish to hear His precious follower crying."

The Daylight Church was no small religious organization, hence the standard inclusion of a confessional. They were somewhere between medium and large scale — explaining why the busy Saintess Shirai would take time to inspect them.

"I'm sorry... I couldn't help myself..."

A black-haired, black-eyed man in his twenties with short hair revealing his entire forehead and charismatic eyes despite his tears. His connected mustache and beard gave him a middle-aged appearance, though I knew he was around my age.

"Others don't understand my inclinations..."

"...Follower Marcus, you're homosexual?"

"N-no, that's not it! Popular church leaders like yourself might not know, but there's another gender called feminine men..."

"Stop right there."

I didn't want to hear more.

Though these sessions were meant to ease followers' anger, some circumstances were simply beyond comprehension.

Just pretend to empathize and send him away, like before.

"I understand your situation."

"What... what should I do...? How can I make others understand my inclinations...?"

"..........."

"I came to ask. Would the merciful Creator understand my inclinations too? That's all I came to ask..."

Why was he so serious? Was he truly insane?

I remembered thinking the same thing before.

My gaze unconsciously shifted to Marcus's hands as he wiped his tears. Each finger showed signs of training— taking a hit to the solar plexus from those heavy fists would mean instant death.

Fighting Marcus would derail the scenario. The confrontation wouldn't end in the confessional, and witnesses would pour in. Their testimonies would destroy the Daylight Church.

"...Marcus, who do you think created you?"

"Huh...? My parents, of course..."

"Wrong. Follower Marcus, you were created by the Heavenly God."

"Th-that...!"

His eyes widened as if having an epiphany, letting out a gasp.

A single tear rolled down Marcus’ cheek as he clamped a hand over his mouth.

"Ah, aah...! How dare I not recognize the Creator...! I feel such overwhelming shame!"

"It's alright. The merciful Creator never hates His creations."

I patted Marcus's shoulder. His bulging muscles were more off-putting than impressive. Such a shame — he could have been quite popular if he were capable of normal love like others.

"Follower Marcus, I am God's messenger. I exist to convey the great Heavenly God's words to earnest believers like yourself."

"...Yes, I know that. But why suddenly..."

"Currently, you're so fixated on not being understood that you can't see the forest for the trees."

I stood up and approached Marcus.

"Like a blind person."

".........."

"You wondered if the Heavenly God understands your inclinations?"

"...Yes."

"I'll say it again - the Heavenly God created you, Follower Marcus."

My role here was done.

Marcus wasn't stupid, despite his unusual inclinations.

"Then that means..."

"Your unique inclinations were intended by the Heavenly God."

"Why, why me specifically? With so many people in the world..."

"The Heavenly God doesn't bestow uniqueness on just anyone. In that sense, you could say you're chosen."

"...Like Saintess Shirai?"

Not a chance, but I nodded gravely anyway, suppressing my dismay. Avoiding conflict was key in moments like this.

"Yes, you could say that."

'Shirai, I'm truly sorry. I'll definitely repay this favor later.'

"The Creator, who intentionally bestowed you with these preferences, could never fail to understand them. Even now, I can hear Him speaking."

"The- the Heavenly God's voice?!"

"Yes."

"Wh-what does He say?"

I closed my eyes for dramatic effect before delivering the final blow.

"He says 'How dare you doubt the great Heavenly God - I don’t even want to look at you. Leave the confessional within five seconds.’"

"Eek!"

Marcus hurriedly rummaged through his leather pants pocket. Soon, his massive hand offered ten silver coins — his hand so large it made the coins look tiny.

"May the Heavenly God see my sincerity and quell His anger."

"Fortunately, He says His anger has subsided. You may leave."

"Thank you! I'll never forget today!"

*Creak—*

'I rather wish you would...'

As Marcus left the confessional, the next - and final - visitor entered.

Or rather, not a follower.

"Still extorting money from followers? You disgusting cult leader."

This blonde, red-eyed girl who would mark the end of today's schedule,

"Yuri."

"Don't say my name with that disgusting mouth."

Would be found dead in her home tomorrow.

And the cause of death — suffocation from a fire.

"You piece of trash who drove my mother into the abyss."

If she knew I was a cult leader, there was no need for me to wear a mask anymore.

"It's still cold in winter. Close the door and come in."

"Don't order me around. I didn't want to come - it's just that Mother forced me to visit the confessional."

Having to persuade someone who hated and distrusted me within a few hours.

Yuri was a young girl about to graduate from middle school next year. She wore her school uniform, suggesting she had come straight to the church after classes.

Her golden ponytail gleamed under the light, swaying slightly as she moved, and her crimson eyes locked onto me with an intensity that made it seem as though they might shoot laser beams at any moment.

Her gaze practically dripped with disdain.

Like a fierce stray cat ready to scratch at the slightest touch.

The truth was, Yuri's life or death wasn't crucial to the future scenario. But the memory of regret still lingered vividly in my mind.

That day—why had I let her leave? If I had known the fire would break out, I would’ve forced her to stay at the church, even against her will.

"Ice magic... like this...? Make a snowball by clenching your fist?"

Look at the spark of life in her eyes as she flips through her textbook, studying with such determination. How could I let a girl this passionate meet such an untimely death?

*Tap—, Tap—*

"This is how you do it."

I rapped my fingers against the desk to draw her attention, then demonstrated the basics.

Magic wasn’t my specialty, but something as elementary as this was well within my capabilities.

"I didn't ask for a demonstration. Just showing off."

Her cold dismissal wasn’t surprising.

To Yuri, Mate Daylight—the figure I represented—was the very person who dragged her mother into ruin. And in the previous timeline, the two of them met a tragic death as well.

"Why can't I do it? I'm doing it right..."

".........."

It was time to stop hesitating like a coward.

No matter what it took—whether I failed miserably or succeeded against all odds—I was going to save her.

"Hey."

"Don't disturb me while I'm studying."

"Stay here tonight with your mother."

*Thwack—!!*

An involuntary groan of pain escaped. Too sudden to dodge. A large snowball rolled across the floor before my lowered head.

"I-I did it...!"

"Haah."

I couldn’t help but laugh incredulously. My own snowball still sat innocently on the desk, untouched.

Though I felt like clapping to celebrate her success, the grim reality of what I needed to do quickly extinguished that thought.

"I only managed it because you pissed me off, so I’ll let it slide this time. But say something like that again, and I’m reporting you for harassment."

...This wasn’t going to be an easy conversation.

But I’d already made up my mind.

Tonight, no matter what it took, Yuri and her mother would stay at the church.

I just hope no unwanted visitors would show up and cause misunderstandings.

END of CHAPTER

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