Teacher, Is This Your First Time?

My hands trembled. It wouldn’t be so strange if Woo Tae-seon decided to flip me over and rape me even now. I needed to get out of here as soon as possible, but I didn’t want to provoke Woo Tae-seon even slightly.

I had neither the mind nor the leisure to wipe my sticky body. The urgency to reach the corridor leading to the front door filled my entire mind more than the discomfort that remained below because I hadn’t wiped it off.

Fortunately, Woo Tae-seon didn’t change his mind until I had put all my clothes back on. He just quietly watched everything I did. Perhaps the problem was that I had fastened the last button with a sigh of relief, thinking it was finally over.

“When is convenient for you, teacher?”

“…What are you talking about?”

“The next time. I’m asking when is convenient for you.”

It felt like my heart sank. It was like a bolt from the blue. Woo Tae-seon was also impassive about it. As if saying something obvious.

“I, I showed you. You said if I just showed you, you’d…”

“But you didn’t show me properly.”

My voice choked, and my strength drained away.

“I told you I was curious.”

“……”

“About you coming from anal stimulation.”

No punishment is as cruel as expectation—I had learned that painfully over the past six years, yet I was stupid enough to hope again. Even though I knew better than anyone. Even though the path was clearly visible, I had foolishly added to my own burden, thinking it would end soon.

“You weren’t satisfied with just fingers, were you?”

My heart felt like it had plummeted to the floor from my frozen body. I couldn’t lift my head. I looked down at my shattered heart pulsating wildly. And even Woo Tae-seon stepping on top of it.

“They’re long and thin, so while they might be good for probing, they’re probably not that great for clenching.”

I didn’t have the courage to pull my hand away from Woo Tae-seon’s grip. Woo Tae-seon gently stroked each of my trembling fingers with his thumb. Then he gathered them all together and examined them from different angles, as if measuring them.

“Four would still be too small.”

I could immediately understand what meaning was implied, what it meant. Even my pulsing heart grew quiet now. It felt like all the blood that had been making my entire body throb had drained to my feet. With a pale face, I looked down at my hand held by Woo Tae-seon.

Yes, of course it wouldn’t end in one go. It was obvious. Because the standard of “properly” would not be determined by me. The criteria wouldn’t be how hard I tried, but how satisfied Woo Tae-seon was watching it. No, rather than the moment of full satisfaction, it would be more fitting when his interest waned.

That made me more afraid. It felt like he would tell me to spread my legs again at any moment. The clothes I had barely managed to put on while reading his mood wouldn’t provide any protection. They would easily come off with just a small gesture.

Nothing I had tried so hard to ignore had disappeared. Things don’t vanish just because I don’t look at them, and they don’t disappear just because I cover my eyes. Fed by my naive expectations, it had grown larger and was now waiting for me at the very end. As if this place was the inevitable end.

In the end, all of this was just a process. What Woo Tae-seon wanted was one thing. That place, I suppose. My gaze naturally turned to the center of his dress pants. The outline that seemed to reveal everything looked particularly bulging.

At that moment, Woo Tae-seon snickered.

“You’re really explicit, teacher. How can I pretend not to notice when you stare like that?”

“……”

“You’ve been looking at me all along because you wanted to fuck me, right?”

“…What?”

“You watched me every time you taught class.”

Woo Tae-seon released my hand while smiling brightly. Of course, I knew that didn’t mean he was letting me go.

“Did you think I’d put it in if you looked at me like that?”

This guy was insane. That was for sure.

* * *

I was terribly sick the entire weekend. I thought it might be because the excessive tension that had built up after visiting Woo Tae-seon’s house was released all at once.

[Senior, I can go ahead tomorrow. I think I’ll need to go to work directly from my aunt’s house.]

[OK then see you at school~]

I didn’t have confidence to face my senior as if nothing had happened. Even though we’d have to meet at school anyway, I wanted to delay that time, even just a little. I realized my mistake as soon as I left my house. My lack of confidence wasn’t limited to seeing my senior’s face.

I don’t know how many times I wished I could disappear without a trace while riding the subway and transferring to the bus. Just being conscious of someone looking at me would make me tremble like an anxiety attack. If it was like that with strangers, there was no way I could calm down as I got closer to school.

I pressed down on my thigh with all my might, as it was the most accessible part. Of course, it didn’t really help much.

—This stop is Seongjin High School main gate. Seongjin High School main gate.

Belatedly recognizing the announcement, I hurriedly tapped my card and got off the bus. Only then did I realize that, contrary to my worries, it was no different from my usual commute. No one noticed anything different. No one detected the cause of the anxiety I was harboring.

“Teacher Song, what’s wrong? You look so pale.”

“Yeah, are you still not over your cold?”

“Ah, no. I’m fine.”

Of course, school was no different either. It was an ordinary Monday, closer to memory than imagination.

Everyone was in their place, while I alone was like a protruding nail, extremely tense, not knowing when I might be pulled out. It was natural because even though I could disguise normality on the outside, the fundamental problem still remained unchanged.

The fear that grew with time became concrete imaginations that gradually tightened around me.

The first imagination that unfolded was the school bulletin board with a report posted on it. The first floor of the main building was the most frequented place in the school. News posted on the school bulletin board there could be known by everyone in the school within at least a week.

If that happened, whispers would follow me wherever I walked. The vivid delusions spread endlessly—my desk covered with notes full of curses and condemnation, a strange faculty office where no one would meet my eyes, and finally being dragged somewhere and kicked.

I thought that perhaps all of this was a punishment imposed on me. A punishment for presumptuously coveting something I shouldn’t have even looked at. Receiving all at once what I had postponed for a full six years.

I admit it. That for the past six years, I had lived with a comfortable one-sided love, not only without tension but occasionally even letting my guard down. Even though I knew it was just good luck, as it repeated, I unconsciously began to take it for granted.

Even saying I had a fever was just an excuse. I simply didn’t worry much. It’ll be fine. How could I get caught? I hadn’t been caught once while liking him so much. I firmly believed in the result derived from the weak basis that since everything had been fine until now, it would continue to be so.

Yes, I ended up like this because of my own complacent thinking.

I could only relax after checking the school bulletin board with my own eyes every hour. Each time I returned to my seat, each time I moved somewhere, I would tremble and prick up my ears. Though I couldn’t meet their eyes, I had to persistently read their moods.

Naturally, I worried most about him.

But hilariously, despite my anxiety and fretting, no message came to ring my phone. I also didn’t encounter Woo Tae-seon separately. Even during class time when we inevitably met, he was the same as before. As if the memory of that day didn’t exist.

Time, which seemed to flow particularly slowly, moved faster and faster as it continued into Wednesday and Thursday. Each day gave me reassurance instead of relieving my tension. Nothing around me had changed. Even the perception of time passing was the same. If only I returned to normal, everything would be as usual.

Maybe it wasn’t as interesting as he thought once he actually saw it. The sight of someone of the same gender shaking the same dick and ejaculating couldn’t be interesting enough to want to see it two or three times. It was just a momentary curiosity.

Such increasingly positive thoughts didn’t just stop at wondering if this was really the end, but boldly extended to ridiculous, relaxed thoughts like wondering if I had just dreamed it all.

[Friday 10 PM]

The naive, vain hope was easily shattered by a short message that wasn’t even ten characters long. As if it had been waiting for this, my trembling hands finally slowed down.

Yes, it couldn’t end like this.

‘Are you here?’

From that day on, I began receiving messages once every two or three days.

‘Today we’ll do it here.’

Woo Tae-seon summoned me frequently. Everything that happened in Room 1201, which I was now familiar with, was decided by Woo Tae-seon. I had to move myself in the way Woo Tae-seon wanted, where Woo Tae-seon wanted.

‘You look very unwell, teacher. Didn’t you enjoy it?’

And Woo Tae-seon always asked what I thought.

I wanted to snap back, asking if he thought I could possibly enjoy it. But all I could do was nod my head slightly—that was the extent of my expression.

It might have appeared like a mild reaction on the surface, but it was actually a reaction of helplessness. Honestly, I didn’t want to tell him the truth, nor did I have any desire to satisfy his curiosity.

But it wasn’t the end just because I didn’t tell him. Despite the flat, unchanging reactions, his persistent eyes didn’t miss even the smallest changes in my expressions, and he observed where and how I responded down to the tips of my fingers.

‘Please tell me honestly.’

‘……’