Rising Shards

Marmalade and I broke away from our laps around the cafeteria, but didn’t really have a destination in mind as we wandered around campus.

“I’m doing alright,” Marmalade said. “Alright as in bad.”

“Yeah…I get that,” I said. “Anything in particular?”

“You know how you’ve been unpacking the last weekend, and how it messed you up?” Marmalade said. “I’ve been doing that too. And it messed me up too. I keep thinking...what pushed me to even think grabbing the daggers was a good idea? And I don’t really like any of the answers I found so far. I’m sorry again, by the way. About the daggers.”

“It’s alright,” I said. This was about the fifteenth time Marmalade apologized, but I too said sorry maybe too many times when I messed up, so I got it. “Why do you think you did it?”

“Thinking things like, did I do that because I’m that uncomfortable with myself? Because usually I’m like, I dunno. Glad about all this?” She gestured to herself. “But I think starting here made me a bit self-conscious in maybe a terrible way.”

“Starting at Rising Shards?”

Marmalade nodded. “It’s intimidating being here. Getting here when we're mostly through the semester, everyone has friends and connections and history already. And I show up and like, what do I do? I can’t just butt into all this. And then…there are so many cute people, so many people who look better than me, and I know it’s superficial and probably really bad to think about appearances so much like that, but I think about myself and…”

“Hey…” I said, seeing Marmalade wipe her eyes.

“Greetings, fellow gender weirdos.”

We both turned to see Roux standing before us, striking a pose with their hands outstretched.

“Hi Roux,” I said. “We’re a bit in the middle of something, sor—"

“Oh,” Marmalade said. “Roux from the gamer group?”

“Indeed,” Roux said. “Roux the mighty and powerful! Now even mightier and powerful-ier with the power of not uh, gender. Well, is not being a boy or girl a gender though? There is so much I’ve yet to understand…”

“We’re kinda…having a talk about gender stuff,” Marmalade said. She looked to me for approval. Stella did say I should have Roux’s back during their gender discovery phase, so I voted yes. “If you want to join us.”

“Most excellent,” Roux said, rubbing their hands together with a villainous looking grin. “More data collection would be good for my needs. Mayhaps I suggest that you two continue where you left off, and I will insert myself into the conversation accordingly?”

“Uh…sure.” I said.

“So yeah.” Marmalade said. “Where’d I leave off?”

“I think it was something about appearances? And fitting in.” I said.

“Ah,” Marmalade said. “Right. It’s just been just kind of an ordeal trying to fit in. I mean, everyone I talk to is nice, and nobody’s leaving me out. I just get the vibe everyone’s gonna. Being around a bunch of cute girls kinda made me freak out a bit, I guess.”

“There are so many cute girls around these parts!” Roux said. “For example, have you seen Lillia Cadence? Wowza! But in spite of that, the burden falls to us to find ourselves even in the face of such beautiful ladies.”

“Yeah…” I said, feeling as though Kalei just telepathically sent me a message that just said, “Told you Roux’s a lot.”

“It just kinda hits you when you really start,” Marmalade said. “And then you look at the mirror and see how blah you are compared to some people at school.”

“I don’t think you look blah,” I said.

“Yeah, what the heck!” Roux said. “You’re a gorgeous dame, as dame-y as they come!”

“Heh…thanks.” Marmalade said. “And you’re—actually, wait, you’re nonbinary, right?”

“Uh huh.” Roux said. “At least, that’s where I’m at right now. I only just figured it out, but when I did, everything clicked into place so yeah. Hit me with them theys.”

“Cool, cool!” Marmalade said. “I have some enby friends that don’t wanna be complimented by getting called cute.”

Roux scratched their ears. “Yeah, not a fan of cute. Something more ferocious is the way of Arielle Roux.”

“So is…handsome good?” Marmalade asked.

“That’s...acceptable!” Roux said.

“Alright! You’re pretty handsome, Roux.”

“Ehehe…” Roux said. “What say you, Faleur? Do you have any suitable descriptors of Marmalade and myself?” To emphasize it, Roux pointed at me, then gestured almost violently between themselves and Marmalade.

“I’d say Marmalade is really cute!” I said. “When we first were talking about our transness when I got my pills a bit ago, I thought you were really cool.”

“Cool? Me?” Marmalade asked.

“Yeah!” I said. “You carried yourself in a very cool way. And you do in general, I think. Like you were one of the only ones who did really well in that volleyball energy thing we did in class.”

“Well, thanks!” Marmalade said.

“Now me!” Roux said, hopping around. “Describe me! Tell me I’m cool!”

“You’re…” I said, trying to find some good words. “You’re really bold. You have a lot of confidence too.”

“Well,” Roux chuckled. “You have to have a lot of confidence when you own various shady dealings.”

“I see,” Marmalade said.

“Now then,” Roux said. “Teacher taught me that compliments are a good icebreaker and a good way to lighten the mood. Now that the three of us have successfully accomplished that, what’s next on our agenda? What were you talking about prior to Marmalade’s unwarranted crisis of self-confidence?”

I was impressed with Roux’s ability to command a conversation.

“We were just talking about trans stuff,” Marmalade said. “About starting and fitting in and crap like that.”

“Ahhh,” Roux said. “Hmmm. How’d you deal with this hellhole as a new trans girl, Faleur?”

“I guess I'm not super new into my transition, but—"

"Fine, as a trans girl who is new to this hellhole. When the semester started. How'd you deal with that?" Roux asked.

"I was really scared,” I said. “Thinking everyone being aware of me would make new friends tougher. That’s how it was at my old schools. But that might’ve been me being super awkward more than anything.”

“I get that,” Marmalade said. “I was at Staverius before this, and nobody really wanted anything to do with me. And I didn’t really want anything to do with anyone.”

“I almost went to Staverius,” I said, remembering the tragic uniform situation there. “It…didn’t sound great. So I’m glad you’re at Rising Shards, now.”

“Me too,” Marmalade said. “Even if I’m a total mess, I’d rather be here than there.”

“I hear Staverius pumps farts into their vents,” Roux added helpfully. “Can you confirm?”

“I don’t know…” Marmalade said. “I…hope not?”

“I also grow weary of the feets being upward, if you catch my drift,” Roux said. “What say we take this back to a more seated zone?”