Please Don’t Die, My Lady

Chapter 21

After that, I don’t remember exactly what happened.

I just felt so good that I thought, Even if I die like this, I’d be happy.

The body that once ached as if it were breaking apart felt so light, as though one step would send it floating into the air.

The mind, which had always been clouded, suddenly became clear, as if it had returned to reality.

A rush of pleasure swept over me—something incomparable to any sexual act.

The Ariana before me, who had delivered this sensation to me, looked so indescribably lovable.

I wanted to meld our bodies together, to explore her, to unite from the deepest parts of ourselves.

And so, I think I pounced.

I pinned her down, stripped her clothes, and parted her intimate areas.

Sharing warmth, feeling the brush of skin, and hearing the mutual exchange of moans added a heightened sense of euphoria to the already drug-like bliss.

For a long while, I licked and sucked in that state, and when I opened my eyes, I saw Ariana sitting there fully dressed, as if nothing had happened.

I hugged her and expressed affection by rubbing my face against her neck, bringing us to the floor.

For a long while again, we rolled around, and when I opened my eyes, Ariana sat there as though nothing had changed.

Next, I limited myself to kissing, starting from her forehead and moving over every inch of her from head to toe.

We tasted and felt each other, and there she was again, embracing me calmly.

I couldn’t tell what was delusion and what was reality anymore.

But even the chaotic intersection of fantasy and reality felt purely enjoyable.

“…Do you feel good?”

From a distance that seemed a handspan and yet eternal, Ariana softly asked me.

At that moment, I could answer without a shred of hesitation.

It feels amazing.

I’m insane. Electrified. Happy.

It’s like someone’s raking their nails over every nerve in my brain.

All the dark emotions I’ve felt—depression, despair…

I’m sure I’ll never feel them again as long as I take the drug.

Now that I think about it, the reason I’ve been living without dying until now was because I had nothing to rely on.

But now, I have something.

I have something to lean on.

As long as I take the drug, I can do anything.

All my emotions are converted into pleasure when my brain is paralyzed.

Even dying no longer seems scary.

That means even survival instincts will stop working.

There will be no mind left to restrain my body.

Even the princess won’t be able to stop me.

Hurrah.

“Ah, hahaha! Heh heh…”

“This seems to work better, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah… I love it.

More. Give me more. More, more──”

“Don’t rush so much.

I’m taking my time, carefully controlling it… so relax.”

Come to think of it, they say narcotic substances are released even at the moment of death. Endorphins, I think.

They’re supposed to be far stronger than any ordinary drug.

Then, how good must it feel?

My pathetic brain can’t even begin to imagine something better than this.

Oh, what should I do?

I’m starting to look forward to the moment I die.

“Heh, heheh…”

I must really be insane.

My life is utterly over.

Well, it was ruined from the start, so maybe this is for the best.

Either way, it’s better than staying stagnant. Change, any change, is an improvement.

Yes, this is better.

If it were the usual me, I’d still be stuck in the same cycle of thoughts.

I’d convince myself I could do nothing, no matter what.

This is a thousand times better.

Oh, I wish I could stay intoxicated forever.

I knew drugs made you feel good, but…

This far exceeds my expectations, far surpassing even the hallucinogen I took last time.

“It’s because I’m combining various types together.

I didn’t spend days researching for nothing, you know?

To give you the ultimate experience, I needed a technique like this.”

“Oh, I see──”

“Yes, hehe.”

I only thought about it, yet I heard Ariana’s answer.

Is she reading my mind? Or is this conversation just another delusion? Or maybe I’m speaking my thoughts out loud without realizing it?

I hope it’s not the last one.

I don’t want to look like an even crazier woman than I already do.

Calling a crazy woman crazy wounds her deeply, you know.

Really. Truly.

I gave Ariana a deep smile.

And then, I surrendered myself to the swirling vortex that once again roiled inside my head.

The vortex spun counterclockwise, grinding my brain like a blender.

Surrendering to such a blender meant accepting that the pieces of my scattered thoughts might escape through my lips.

I hate you.

I’ve hated you from the first moment we met, without change.

You did, didn’t you?

I like you.

I’ve liked you since the first moment I saw your face.

That’s a bit surprising.

I wanted to befriend you.

Forget about family positions; I wanted us to be friends.

Like I was with Hans.

What a coincidence. I thought the same.

But it was impossible.

A princess can’t have normal friends.

Hans was just an exception.

Is that how you see it?

Yes, we parted after ruining everything.

In the end, we had the worst possible parting.

It was the worst, wasn’t it?

Yes, at the Academy.

We became master and dog.

Master and dog… That wasn’t my intention.

If not, there’s no better way to explain it.

Well, maybe it’s lacking.

You were my last hope in life, the one thing that kept me going.

…What?

“Yes. I think I wouldn’t mind dying now.”

The princess, ‘I,’ or whatever else—ultimately, I’ve let it all go.

Now, I’m simply alive because I exist.

“Wait. What do you mean?”

Huh.

Is it you of all people reacting that way?

That’s hypocrisy if I’ve ever seen it.

“No, there are still plenty of other solutions left! Why are you already thinking about death? It wasn’t even that—”

“Shut up.”

Because of you.

You have no idea how much I…

…If only I hadn’t…

…Let go.

A long time ago.

I would’ve ended it.

I would’ve killed myself.

Since Hans.

From that time.

The princess was already…

After that,

The organization…

It hurts, but…

You.

“No… I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything.”

“Wait. What do you mean? Tell me more—”

[[[[“”””Aaa#$%a&&%aa────really?a!()#aa────””}}}]]]]

Ah.

Shi—

Damn.

It felt.

So.

Good.

And

Now.

I’m.

Screwed.

I woke up clutching my head.

A horrible headache echoed through my skull, as though my eyeballs might pop out if I stayed still.

Right after the headache came a wave of nausea, like I might vomit everything inside me.

The sensation felt oddly familiar. I traced my memory and realized it was similar to a hangover.

Though, incomparable in intensity.

…I didn’t want to revisit reality like this.

“Are you awake? Here, water.”

Hearing Ariana’s voice beside me, I drank the water she offered, slowly regaining my senses.

Finally, I realized Ariana was nearby, but the lights were off, so I couldn’t tell where I was.

Hiding my growing unease, I cautiously asked:

“…Where is this?”

“Where else? My room.”

As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, my surroundings slowly came into view.

I was lying on Ariana’s bed, right next to her.

Both of us were in nothing but our underwear.

Wait.

What exactly happened?

As I became more aware of my situation, fragments of what happened before I blacked out started surfacing.

Ah, right.

The drug.

It felt incredible.

Incredible, incredible, so incredible.

Ah.

The memories of how good it felt drowned out the details.

I think I did something with Ariana, or maybe we talked.

But my thoughts kept drifting back, wanting to feel that pleasure again.

Is this what the drug does?

It’s terrifying how quickly it can ruin someone.

If I’m already craving it, I probably won’t take long to fall apart completely.

Sorry, princess.

Ever since I came into your life, I’ve done everything bad for you.

What’s next? I’m almost looking forward to it.

Maybe I’ll end up being assaulted.

Oh, that might be fun in its own way.

Should I tease myself a bit, warming up with my fingers? Haha.

While I was trying to sort out my jumbled thoughts, Ariana, who had been watching me with a sunken gaze, spoke.

“You can leave if you want, or you can stay and sleep.

Staying might be better, though. It’s late, and if the guards catch you, you’ll get penalized.”

“Can I really go?”

“Yes. It doesn’t matter to me. You’ve already done everything you wanted.

From now on, I don’t have to worry about you; you’ll come back on your own.”

That’s true.

Once I’ve tasted it, there’s no going back to not knowing the sensation.

It hit me, the realization that my life had hit rock bottom, yet oddly, I didn’t feel bad about it.

Maybe it’s because I’m not in pain right now.

But I know this relief is only temporary.

Thinking about the withdrawal symptoms and the suffering to come should terrify me.

Maybe my mind is so scattered, so overwhelmed, that the part responsible for feeling and managing emotions is broken.

I’m insane.

I’ve always been, but now I’m more so.

The life of the princess has always been a journey of insanity, anyway.

Really. The further I go, the more amusing it seems.

They say tragedy is comedy from a distance.

Even losing my sense of reality doesn’t seem so bad now.

I chuckled softly and rolled over to face the ceiling.

“Then I’ll stay. Thanks.”

“You don’t have to thank me.

It’s something I ought to do.”

I was about to close my eyes, but Ariana’s gaze unsettled me.

Her words carried a strange weight, and the emotions in her eyes felt out of place.

It seemed I’d said something while I was high.

I had too many thoughts bottled up to know what it might have been.

…I don’t know.

Does it even matter anymore?

Even if you start caring about me now, it’s meaningless.

The point of no return was crossed long ago.

You knew everything yet pretended not to.

You just put on a mask, acting as if nothing was wrong.

From the moment we reunited, it was already too late for us.

With that thought, I closed my eyes.

My body, weighed down with fatigue, soon surrendered to sleep.

That night, I dreamt of my childhood again.

As always, Hans, Raymond, and Christina were there, but this time, there was an unfamiliar face among them.

I couldn’t recognize who it was.

And I didn’t want to.