Only Realized After Losing You

2.Emotions Were Like a Whirlwind

His name was “Hayden”.

I didn’t know if that was the man’s real name or an alias.

But the man said his name was Hayden, so from now on I was going to think of him as Hayden.

I figured it would be better that way.

Hayden invited me to sit down.

I sat down on the sofa in the center of the room and looked around.

It was a simple room, quite spacious but with almost no furniture.

But some of the furniture looked very luxurious, like the expensive clothes he was wearing.

There was no one else in sight except the man, no maids or servants.

Just the two of us in the room.

He sat across from me with a graceful motion.

I looked at him sitting across from me.

Hayden’s face took on a gloomy look, like a gray cloud over a beautiful face.

The funny thing is, it seemed attractive in its own way.

I would say that he has a handsome face that seems to have a story behind it.

I wanted to say that about his face.

Of course, it was clear that he was someone I could not dare to judge.

“I was told by your father that you can neither write nor speak…”

“… … .”

“So I made a deal with your father. I know it’s going to be awkward for you, but I really don’t want my story to get out.”

Whether you have a good face or a gaunt face, whether you have a lot or nothing, everyone lives with a secret.

Although they do not want others to know their secrets, they secretly feel frustrated.

So, I didn’t know that I would be overcome by such impulses from time to time.

‘I want to reveal my secret to somebody.’

The greater the weight of the secrets I carried alone, the more so.

Hayden seemed to feel the same way.

I took a guess.

The secret he held was as dark as the thick shadow cast over his face.

“But I thought you should know the details of the contract, so I brought this up first.”

Hayden, who spoke without stopping, took a deep breath.

I didn’t know what kind of man he was. And I wasn’t particularly curious.

But he was using thoughtful honorifics for me. I thought that was somewhat unexpected.

And there was one error in Hayden’s statement.

It’s not that I didn’t know how to write. It’s just that I wasn’t good at writing.

But I nodded as if I understood.

Sometimes, it is better not to know the truth.

He looked straight into my eyes and continued:

“If the secret is leaked, you will die. Assuming, of course, that I can prove that you were the source of my secret getting leaked.”

Hayden was saying without any emotion that he was going to kill me.

I realized one more thing right then and there.

This man. He is a man who often experiences people around him dying.

He lives in an environment that does not suit his thoughtful speech and beautiful face.

I nodded my head again.

Then, after finishing the warning, he confessed without warning.

“I think … like… I seem to like men.”

Although the words were spoken calmly, his voice was slightly trembling.

But there was no hesitation in those words.

It was as if he had practiced what he would confess to me countless times before.

How long had Hayden been looking forward to revealing his secret to someone?

His lips curled into a small, bitter smile that he couldn’t hide.

If a stranger saw him, they would feel pity for him because he looked pitiful.

I also felt pity for him.

It wasn’t that I felt pity for the fact that he had fallen in love with a man, but rather that I felt pity for the pain he was in for being so honest.

But I just listened.

I wasn’t surprised and didn’t take any action.

No matter what I heard, I didn’t get emotionally invested.

It was like a rule I followed every time I listened to someone’s story.

If I got emotionally involved, something unpleasant might happen.

In fact, there was a time in the past when I sympathized with my father and heard harsh words from him.

‘How do you know my heart? What makes you think you’re qualified to comfort me?’

I realized then.

What people who told me their secrets wanted was not cheap comfort.

They just wanted to make themselves feel better.

To make them feel better about something that had been festering in their heart for a long time.

Since I came to that realization, I stopped letting them know how I feel.

“… … .”

But Hayden didn’t know about my situation.

He looked at me strangely when I didn’t react in any way.

Hayden was the one who revealed the secret, but he was nervous.

The tip of his tongue, running over his lips, looked frantic.

He shouldn’t be so anxious, I thought.

I didn’t find it strange at all that he liked men.

Because liking someone was something that transcends gender.

“… Miss Ellie. I heard your name from your father beforehand.”

He belatedly called my name. I nodded his head in affirmation.

“You might find me strange for suddenly confessing something like that to someone I just met.”

I shook my head slightly.

I came to you expecting to hear your secrets.

“But I felt like I was going to die if I didn’t tell someone my secret…I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest… I felt like my heart would break if I stayed like this…”

His pain and anguish were something I could not dare to fathom.

Hayden continued speaking.

“If I end my life, will everything be at ease…? This was what I was thinking about. Then, I heard about Miss Ellie.”

I didn’t know how my father advertised me.

However, the advertisement appears to have had some effect, seeing that a man of apparently high rank had sought me out.

“Perhaps I’m more relieved that Miss Ellie is a commoner.”

I just listened in silence.

“Rumors travel fast in aristocratic society, but aristocrats don’t listen to rumors from commoners, and they don’t believe them. Even if my secret had leaked out from Miss Ellie, I don’t think anyone would believe your claim…”

I shook my head. It was my way of saying that it wouldn’t happen.

“You can think of it as cowardice, because I am a coward.”

I shook my head again.

Hayden mumbled something about being grateful and began to reveal what was on his mind.

“The first time I thought differently about men,” he said, “was at the horseback riding club five years ago.”

Once he got the ball rolling, his story flowed out smoothly.

This was Hayden’s story.

When he saw a man wearing white, thigh-high riding pants, he felt uncontrollably excited.

He felt his body temperature rise, but at the same time, felt a deep-seated sense of shame.

His sexual orientation became even more apparent after that.

Hayden hated the fact that he got aroused every time he saw a man of the same gender, and it bothered him very much

He met women and made out with them, but in the end he was unable to change his sexual orientation.

So, he finally admitted.

“I’m pretty sure … I like men, that’s for sure.”

Choking on his words, he lifted the teacup on the table.

With a graceful motion, Hayden sipped the cooled tea.

It had been prepared in advance before I came.

Hayden continued.

“But I tried to fix it. I don’t prioritize love, because I’m the second son, and I have to surpass my older brother to become the head of the family, and I don’t want any gossip to be an issue.”

Hayden was the second son, a man who wanted to become the head of the family.

I learned one more thing about him.

“But I … I’m in love with someone now. The emotions were a whirlwind.”

He let out a long sigh.

“That’s when I realized: I’m going to end up putting love first, and I’m going to be irresistibly drawn to the person I like.”

“… … .”

“Miss Ellie.”

There was deep sorrow in the way he softly called my name.

“What do you think I should do…”

There were no more confessions.

Hayden bowed his head.

His hands were clenched into fists in his lap.

I could only stare at him. Because there was nothing I could do for him.

As I looked at him lost in thought, I imagined each and every thing he said.

A field of green grass. A bronze horse with a beautiful mane.

A man’s white riding pants contrasting with the horse’s bronze.

And Hayden, a beautiful young man, looking at that man.

What kind of feeling is love?

What does it feel like to like someone?

For the first time, such a question occurred to me.

Although I listened to my family’s numerous concerns and anguish, I had never heard anything related to pure love.

When I realized it, Hayden’s head, raised his head from its slumped position.

He was looking at me deeply with his beautiful silver eyes.

Our gazes naturally crossed.

Surprisingly, his face looked better than when I first saw it.

It seemed as if a cloud or two had lifted from his face.

Hayden may have felt some relief by confessing what he could never confide in anyone else.

Even though I lost my speech, this man may have eased the burden on his mind by speaking.

I was sure.