Only Realized After Losing You

17. Don’t Think Your Worth Comes From Sacrificing Yourself

“What about you? Have you been feeling like talking lately?”

I made an ambiguous face.

Because I occasionally felt the urge to talk.

However, it did not lead to a strong desire.

More than the desire, my main thought lately was about getting out of my comfort zone.

For example, running away from my father.

If you asked me why I never thought about escaping from my father and why I chose to live a mute life, my answer was simple.

‘Because I couldn’t find a reason to do that.’

My family made some emotional confessions to me, but that was it.

They never made me do anything harsh. They didn’t physically hurt me.

They just wanted to be listened to.

Every time I became their only priest and listened to the confessions in their hearts, I was able to feel the value of my existence.

‘You were a child born to listen.’

As my father said to me a long time ago, there was a time when I thought it was a blessing to have a talent for listening.

Of course, that was before my older sister was sold and my father’s obsession with money grew.

I watched with my own eyes as my sister was sold and the greed in my father’s eyes deepened.

Even though I couldn’t speak, I wasn’t stupid.

I was not naïve enough to be blind to the danger that would befall me.

I had an uneasy feeling that was growing out of control.

It grew in size to the point where I could no longer ignore it.

If I stay like this, I’m going to be sold somewhere.

Those thoughts that never existed before had been stuck in my head these days.

I wasn’t unsatisfied with the job of listening, but I didn’t want to be sold somewhere.

If I had to run away from my father… what would I need most right now?

I suddenly remembered what Lennon said the other day.

‘I will provide you with a generous allowance. To you, not to your father’

The answer to my concerns came quickly.

If I really had to run away, what I needed most right now was money.

My thoughts were interrupted by Lennon.

“I can’t believe you still haven’t felt the urge to talk…. It’s a pity.”

With that, Lennon straightened up from leaning on the railing.

Then he started walking towards me.

Lennon stopped walking when our knees touched.

He didn’t just stop walking, he tucked a strand of hair that had fallen over my face behind my ear.

It was such a sweet touch.

“Perhaps… Are there any other customers besides me?”

Other customers.

I knew right away what that meant.

‘Do you listen to other people’s secrets?’

He seemed to be asking me that.

I was silent.

There were other guests, Hayden and Lebrado, but it seemed better to keep their presence a secret.

Lennon seemed to sense the meaning of my reaction, which was neither positive nor negative.

“I see.”

What a quick-witted man.

“…Miss”

Yes. I’m listening.

I locked eyes with Lennon.

“I started this out of sympathy for you and because I was curious about you, but I want you to stop doing this.”

“… … .”

“Of course, I’m not sure if it’s something you can easily quit just because you want to… Anyway, that’s what I think.”

After hearing that, I tilted my head.

Why do you want me to stop listening to other people’s stories?

At that moment, I felt like I was a little closer to his face than before.

Lennon didn’t give me a chance to fully process that, and continued.

“Don’t think that your worth comes from sacrificing yourself.”

“… … !”

I was shocked there.

Like I’d been hit in the back of the head with a large blunt object.

Because that was what I had been thinking all along.

I thought… I must sacrifice myself, so that my life would have meaning.

I thought I was useless if I wasn’t mute.

A mute person who doesn’t listen to others is not worthy of existence.

For some reason, I felt like the tip of my nose was twitching.

When I realized it, hot tears were streaming down my face.

What do tears mean?

For some reason, sweet Lennon did not wipe away my tears.

He just softened his gaze as his eyes followed the tears rolling down my cheeks.

“You don’t have to sacrifice anything…. you’re worth enough on your own.”

His gaze softened a little, then slowly lifted.

He soon came to look into my eyes.

“You don’t avoid my gaze.”

“… … .”

“You listen to me sincerely. And you won’t give away my secrets.”

But I got an offer from Hayden to leak your story.

You don’t know that.

Lennon continued:

“How can I trust you?”

He pressed his face against mine.

Soon, our noses were lightly touching.

It wasn’t just our faces that were close.

Lennon’s body was pressed irrevocably against mine.

“You can tell by looking into their eyes. I met a lot of people along the way. By looking at someone’s eyes, you can pretty much tell whether someone is trustworthy or not.”

Is that why you stare into my eyes so often and so intently?

“The ability to discern people with just a look. I think it’s a skill given to me.”

Lennon’s lips got so close that they almost touched mine.

Still, he did not look away from me.

It was a steady, firm gaze.

An intense gaze. Hot breath. His hot body heat.

Lennon had an aura of lust radiating from him.

I swallowed dryly.

The tears had been swallowed up by the lust and stopped before I realized it.

“Ellie, you have good eyes.”

He was touching me with his wonderful words, elevating the erotic mood with his lascivious face.

Then he said something to match the mood.

“Can I discern your mouth..?”

Just the right amount of finesse at just the right time.

That was Lennon’s outstanding talent.

I didn’t answer.

I thought that Lennon knew very well what silence meant.

Lennon smirked.

This time too, I felt like he’d gotten my every thought.

Except he didn’t meet my lips right away.

The first thing he did before kissing me was licking the tears that had formed on the tip of my chin with the tip of his tongue.

“Young lady, your tears are also delicious.”

Lennon said the kind of thing a horny man might say.

The funny thing was that it didn’t sound strange.

There were no more words exchanged.

Lennon’s lips were fully on mine.

The tip of his nose touched the corner of my cheek, and Lennon’s elegant hand gently squeezed the back of my head.

It felt completely different from the first kiss I shared with him.

Unlike before, when he was somewhat violent, he led me gently this time.

One thing that was the same, though, was that his hands never went anywhere else.

Our bodies were tightly pressed together, but other than kissing, he did not touch elsewhere.

Even as his body began to harden against mine, Lennon insisted on kissing.

Our breathing grew hotter and hotter.

I thought there was no way we could get any closer, but as the kiss deepened, my body pressed closer to his.

I cowered helplessly in his arms.

It was difficult to handle the kiss that followed.

As the heat (I didn’t know whose heat it was) grew, a languid desire to touch Lennon’s skin arose.

My vision became blurry, and my whole body felt feverish.

I couldn’t calm the dazed feeling that felt like I had drunk very strong alcohol.

In the haze he gave me, I recalled Lennon stroking the back of his stepmother’s neck.

Then I imagined that his fingertips were resting near the nape of my neck.

It was then that Lennon’s lips parted.

He brought the hand that had been smoothing my hair and lazily brushed it over my slightly opened lips to allow me to breathe.

His fingertips were smeared with saliva that could have belonged to either of us.

“Breathe.”

I let out a long breath at his words.

“What do we do?”

Lennon said, as if he’d been hit with a conundrum.

“I’m so satisfied that… now, every time I see you, I think I will desperately want to kiss you.”

“… … .”

“What do you think, young lady?”

I also vaguely hoped that his lips would touch mine a little more.

It was strange.

“Since the lady won’t answer, I’ll ask another question.”

“… … .”

“Who are your other guests?”

I naturally thought of Hayden and Lebrado.

“I feel jealous for some reason. If you have no choice but to keep doing this job, just do it with me. If you want, I will even pay you what the rest of them paid.”

… Money.

Something I’d need if I were to go anywhere.

I squeezed Lennon’s hand urgently, then scribbled on his palm.

⌜The allowance you said you would give last time… When are you giving it to me?⌟

What I got back was Lennon’s booming laugh.

“Phew. Ha ha ha.”

Lennon ruffled my hair to his heart’s content, a smile still on his face.

“You’re cute. Did something come up that you need money for?”

I lowered my head slightly because I was embarrassed beyond words.

The fact that we had shared a sweet kiss just moments before didn’t help.

Lennon looked very relaxed.

I curled my still hot lips inward.

I felt like I was the only one left with the aftereffects of the kiss.

“Okay, I’m going to ask you another question now.”

“… … .”

“If you can answer that one, then I will give you double the allowance I said I would give you.”