Only Realized After Losing You

10. Nothing Left To Regret

As I left the entrance hall, just as Lennon said, a servant came out to meet me.

I followed his lead and boarded the Duke of Hills’ carriage.

The rain didn’t stop the whole way home.

I stared out the carriage window at the rain.

The colors outside were washed out by the rain, but what suddenly came to mind was Lennon’s red eyes.

Lennon’s red eyes, blinking slowly. His red lips that kissed mine.

And the question he left me with.

‘The question you need to agonize over when you get home today is… is why I gave you the dress.’

What was the intention behind giving me an expensive-looking dress?

Was there really an ulterior motive?

Was it a ploy by Lennon to get me to think about something?

I couldn’t quite fathom Lennon’s thoughts.

However, one thing was certain.

His question would not leave my mind.

* * *

I had just gotten off the carriage when I heard a commotion.

Under the umbrella handed to me by the servant, I turned my attention to the source of the sound.

Although the exterior was a bit old, our house was still a fairly large mansion.

At the front of the house was a flower garden that I tended to in my spare time, and it was where my sister was kneeling.

My father, with a stern expression, stood in front of my kneeling sister.

“Ah, father! Please don’t do that… Please don’t send me there.”

My sister was pleading with her father as the rain fell endlessly on her.

I quickly walked to where my sister and father were.

All the while, I felt a surge of anxiety.

Then, my father and sister seemed to sense my presence.

Their gazes reached me at the same time as if synchronized.

My sister dragged herself to her knees and stepped in front of me, grabbing the hem of my dress.

“Hey, Ellie! Stop your father. He said he was going to sell me somewhere…”

I looked up at my father’s face. My father spoke to me with a cold expression.

“Ellie, your sister’s marriage has been decided.”

At that moment, I remembered the scene I saw yesterday.

Unable to pay off his gambling debts, my dad begged his creditors.

‘You didn’t make a mistake, right? You must never make a mistake. Even if you are speechless, you must never say anything. You are the only light of our family.’

The thick darkness that fell on my father’s face as he talked about light.

I had imagined what would happen when my father eventually couldn’t pay his debts.

My father had sold my younger sibling somewhere a long time ago.

And now, it seemed like he was about to sell my older sister somewhere as well.

I was sure of it.

“… … .”

When I looked down, my sister’s face was very wet.

How long had she been out in the rain?

How long had she been begging our father?

I twisted my gaze and looked at the place where my sister was kneeling just a moment ago.

The place was ugly and caved in.

The soil, softened by the rain, was heavily crushed by my sister’s knees.

“Isabelle, even if you beg Ellie, nothing will change. There are people waiting for you. Get up now.”

My father was right.

Even if you beg me, nothing will change.

Because my father was the kind of person who would follow through on whatever he set his mind to.

I knew him better than anyone else.

Eventually, my father came closer to me and grabbed my sister’s shoulder.

A wicked touch. Father’s thick fingers. On them were several shiny gold rings.

“… Li, Ellie”

My older sister, who was being dragged away by my father, called my name.

She reached out to me, and I reached for her.

My sister’s fingertips were cold and her hands were trembling like aspen trees.

But our fingertips touched each other only for a moment.

My sister’s hand was soon torn away from me by my father’s violent touch.

I tried to hold her hand again, but our hands wouldn’t touch.

“Ellie…! Remember that you are the only one left now.”

As she was pulled away, she left me with her last words.

I could hear the horses braying loudly.

My sister was forced into a carriage pulled by those horses.

The carriage soon took off.

I watched it leave with every step of the way, until I couldn’t see it anymore.

My sister, who existed in my world until a few hours ago, disappeared from my world without being able to resist in any way.

I felt something like despair there.

“… … .”

Of course, I wasn’t close friends with my sister.

She only ever confided in me, like a confessor. We never had a real conversation.

But we had been together for the past 17 years.

17 years was not a short time.

Out of all my family, I liked my older sister the most.

I belatedly grabbed my father’s wet sleeve.

I wanted to tell him not to do that, to bring her back.

But I was a person who had lost my voice.

My silent screams did not reach anyone.

“If you don’t want to be married off quickly, stay quiet. Be a mouse and do what I tell you to do, eh? That’s how you’ve been doing so well, Ellie.”

He brushed me off, roughly, and went back inside the mansion.

I regretted it.

To be more specific, I regretted that I had taken my loss of voice lightly.

If I hadn’t overlooked the importance of vocalization, wouldn’t I have been able to call my sister’s name out loud?

Couldn’t I have held the hand of my sister who was pleading with me for help?

I was afraid.

Afraid that because I lost the ability to speak for so long, it would be completely irreversible.

Time had already slipped away.

Maybe too much time had passed to undo anything.

A single, cold, stinging drop fell from the corner of my eye.

It was a tear.

At that moment, I felt a deep sense of despair.

What is the point of being alive?

Do I have a reason to exist if I don’t listen to anyone’s story?

* * *

My sister was sold somewhere, but nothing changed.

My mother returned home late at night, drunk as a skunk,

“… Ellie, that prostitute’s kissing skills were amazing. He was completely different from your stinking father.”

She came back covered in the scent of an unfamiliar man.

My mother did not mind at all that my sister had been sold.

Perhaps she had already anticipated that my sister would be sold somewhere.

She had expected it, and it had happened.

Or so I thought.

I felt like I was in a cesspool that I couldn’t escape.

If my father’s debt increases further, will I be the next person to be sold?

‘Ellie…! Remember that you are the only one left now.’

My sister’s words echoed in the rain and lingered in my ears for a long time.

I wonder where she was sold to.

* * *

The rain did not stop even late at night.

I watched the rain fall on the glass of the window, lost in thought.

I thought about my sister’s tears and the reality that I could not save her, nor could I hope to save myself.

It had been a long time since I’d been in bed but I didn’t feel drowsy at all.

It was then that the tightly shut door opened.

Squeeeeek.

The poorly oiled door opened with a loud noise.

I was startled and half-raised my body from my lying position.

The person who came through the open door was a man wearing a rain-soaked robe with his hood pulled down deep.

The man quickly closed the door he opened and then climbed onto my bed in one swift motion.

Needless to say, I couldn’t scream.

Or perhaps it was more accurate to say I couldn’t scream.

The man’s large hand covered the corner of my mouth.

“Shhh.”

The man’s hand that touched my mouth was cold and wet.

If he didn’t cover my mouth, I wouldn’t be able to say anything anyway…

The man’s remaining hand, which was not covering my mouth, came near the nape of my neck.

At the same time, I felt a sharp sensation.

It was a dagger.

He brought the hand holding the dagger close to the nape of my neck.

It was a clear threat that he could kill me.

I was scared.

I was also human.

Who wouldn’t be scared of a strange man threatening their life?

But still, I remained calm and closed my eyes.

If death was the only shortcut to escape this shitty reality…

I wanted to walk that path.

I thought that being sold away by my father or dying here was the only way to go.

I wasn’t sorry for my early death.

There was no person or thing of value to me.

Since I didn’t care about anything, leaving was a very light matter.

There was nothing left to regret.

Several minutes passed, but the dagger did not stab me in the throat.

Instead, I just heard a rather familiar male voice.

“…Please at least resist.”

He sounded quite distressed about the subject of his threats to me.

“What the hell… why are you acting like you want to die?”

Because it might be a lot more comfortable that way.

I don’t know what it means to live.

Everyone wants to be understood, but no one understands me.

“I know what it feels like to want to die, so I don’t want to do anything to you.”

With that, the dagger at the nape of my neck fell away.

Only then did I open my closed eyes.

I felt a little disappointed.

The thought that it wouldn’t have been so bad if I ended my life like this remained in my head for a long time.

The man also removed the hand that was covering my mouth.

He reached down and pulled off his hood.

Soon his face appeared.

It was a beautiful face that glowed in the darkness.

And it was a face I knew.

I recalled the man’s name in my mind.

… Hayden.

Hayden was chewing on his own lower lip.

“… My full name is Hayden Hills.”

As he had done the previous day, he did not hesitate to reveal his secret.

There was no foreshadowing, no hesitation..

He had already decided to tell me his secret before he met me.

‘My full name is Hayden Hills.’

Hayden Hills. And Lennon Hills.

I recalled the large portraits I had seen at Lennon’s mansion.

I even came to remember the words written under the portrait.

⌜The Dukes of Hills⌟

Lennon and Hayden.

The two men, who looked nothing alike, had the same last name.

In other words, the two were brothers.

They were nothing more and nothing less.