My Childhood Friend Became an Inquisitor

“In a world without Louis, there would be no reason for me to live.”
*

It was terrible.

To the extent that all the pain and sorrow experienced until now were mere whining of a child. No mental anguish could compare to having flesh seared, being dunked in water, and having fingernails and toenails pulled out in reality.

Consciousness came and went repeatedly. The devilish face I saw each time I woke up grinned and pressed me to confess crimes I hadn’t committed. I didn’t know what I had answered.

I tried to deny as much as possible whenever I was conscious, but I might have unknowingly succumbed to the pain and said what he wanted.

“Huh, ugh.”

When I opened my eyes after fainting once again, everything had changed.

The smell of blood, though not gone, had faded. More clearly, I felt the light being obscured. The light that had been piercing and slashing my eyeballs like spears was now hidden behind platinum blonde hair hanging like a veil.

In the shadow, I finally breathed peacefully.

“An… ne…”

The voice that escaped my lips was parched. A gentle hand like a spring breeze stroked my disheveled hair as if to reassure me.

“Yes, Louis.”

I was lying down. With my head on Anne’s lap.

I closed my eyes, not having the strength to open them. Then all other senses became more vivid. The gentle touch caressing me, the rustling feel of soft high-quality fabric, and the soft yet strong flesh supporting me.

“I’m here.”

“Do you… remember?”

If I kept my window to the world closed like this, it felt like all I had experienced was fading away.

Though no cool breeze blew, the dazzling light was filtered through Anne’s hair and my eyelids, reduced to a bearable level. Shade fell on my head, and you were right beside me.

An afternoon in early summer when roses were in full bloom, the two of us skipping chores.

“It was hot… and you… were weak, easily fainting in the sun… And someone… had to watch over you…”

Back then, the situation was reversed. You often fell ill, and even when not sick, you were weak and easily tired. Your snow-white skin never tanned no matter how much sun it received.

I would carry you to the shade of a tree, offering my thigh for you to lie comfortably. Thinking back now, I wonder how comfortable that unnecessarily hard body could have been.

“I remember.”

Even though it might have been burdensome at times, you never once rejected my kindness.

“How could I forget the most precious memories of my life?”

I wanted to say more, but only a wheezing sound came from my throat. As I blinked, Anne, as if understanding without words, picked up the water jug beside her.

The object used to torture me. Her fine fingers skillfully tapped my chin to open my mouth, and poured water inside with careful, delicate movements. I felt a burning sensation in my throat but drank the water she offered.

In my current state, I couldn’t tell if my condition was improving or worsening.

“Why.”

From my blocked throat, a sound like a cry barely escaped.

“Why… Why, why…! Just, why…”

Like a broken doll, I blankly repeated the word ‘why’ over and over.
No longer having the energy even to be angry.

Why did I have to lose everything, why did our villagers have to be sacrificed so vainly? For what, because of love?

And you, why.
Why do you make such a sad face while looking at me, after doing such things?

“I’m sorry.”

I couldn’t distinguish whether it was me or Anne who offered the apology.

“For selfishly holding onto you, taking away your peace, depriving you of the opportunities you could have had.”

“Why.”

“But, I couldn’t let you go.”

It seemed like Anne and I were having a conversation, or maybe I was just rambling madly to myself while Anne listened silently. I lifted my trembling arm and grasped Anne’s wrist.

The monstrous strength that could create storms by throwing weapons was blocked so lightly. If I just closed my eyes, escaped this reality, maybe I could rest comfortably leaning on you like that summer day.

The scenery I see when I close my eyelids, the voice I hear when I cover my ears, the pain that tears at my heart with every movement of my body.

The grayish-blue eyes looking down at me, now grown much taller but still cold and noble.
It seemed to be saying that we can no longer return to those times.

It took much more time to recover my body.

During that time, Anne was always by my side. Even though all of this had started from you, nevertheless.

At first, I was afraid, but after being scraped to the bottom, only the purest true feelings remained. Like a child waking from a nightmare, I found stability only in Anne’s embrace.

Like when you hid under the blanket I covered you with on a thunderous night. But unlike then, now the nightmare doesn’t end even when I open my eyes, and the roaring thunderstorm shows no sign of stopping even as days pass.

Will there ever be an end to all this?

I don’t know. But if I wasn’t thinking of biting my tongue and dying right away, I had to live on somehow.
A longing for life surging up, surprising even myself.

“What… will happen to me now?”

When the pain like being heated in hellfire washed away the eyes blurred with sorrow, I could finally see reality.

No matter how oblivious one might be, it was impossible not to notice that this place was far from an ordinary prison. Above all, the biggest clue was the term ‘re-education center’ that Anne had mentioned.

The man had said something similar too. That this place was where they dumped problematic heretics. But no matter how I thought about it, to create such a facility just for isolation…

It still seemed a bit strange, didn’t it?

“Louis. I want to get you out too, but until we catch the definite core of the heresy…”

“That’s not it.”

The voice that came out of my mouth was surprisingly calm, even to myself. No longer angry, despairing, or wailing.

No matter how much I struggled, reality wouldn’t change, so in the end, I had to be the one to change.

“I mean inside here. It doesn’t seem like they’ll just keep me locked up the whole time.”

“Ah, you’ve accepted it?”

Anne’s expression brightened at those words.

Even in this space full of light, the light the girl held was particularly special. Though I had seen it several times and become familiar with it, it still captivated my gaze once again.

For instance, when I moved the single raspberry from my muffin to yours for dessert, or when I found and returned the shiny pebble I had given you by the stream in childhood, which you had lost and then found again in the closet years later,

I saw the face that I could only see when you were happiest. Though I didn’t want to understand.

“Yes, you’ve thought well!”

Her voice rose to a soprano tone. Anne’s eyes sparkled, and she even grabbed my hand that had just risen.

“Nothing like what just happened will ever happen again. Yes, I’ve made sure of it… From now on, I’ll protect you! So don’t be too afraid.”

“Then, what will I be doing?”

She excitedly spilled out words as if there was really something good. I used to hold hands and jump up and down, rejoicing as if it were my own when you were like this, but.

This time, I couldn’t do that.

The monotonous voice was not for stability, but to hide emotions.

But in a relationship where we know each other inside out, how could such clumsy acting work? Anne, sensing the depression coiled in my heart, also had her voice drop as if infected.

“Louis… You don’t like it after all, do you?”

Adapting to reality doesn’t mean all emotions are neatly sorted out. emotions are not so simple. Only the largest chunks had settled for a moment, but sediment-like dregs still remained in my chest.

I lost family and friends, lost my foundation, lost my hometown. I was unjustly imprisoned, and even tortured.

I was aware. That in this situation, the only one who could reach out a helping hand to me was Anne. I knew, I knew but…

“I understand that it’s hard and painful.”

No, you don’t understand.

Neither the best judgment for survival nor the eternal love that could never be betrayed could completely cover the new scars carved on my chest.

“But Louis. We mustn’t forget the words Ailim has given us. The sins we bear can only be atoned for on the path of thorns.”

The comforting voice was kind and gentle.

I pride myself on having strong patience, but once I get angry, I tend to lose my reason and rage. Whenever that happened, it was the voice that embraced me warmly like a spring breeze that soothed me.

But even hearing your voice, what stirred in my heart, unlike before, showed no sign of settling.

“So, if you just endure a little…”

“You too.”

Last time.
This is the last time I’m asking.

“Do you think of me as a heretic… or evil? That I’ll fall into hell?”

Please, at least you, don’t look at me with those eyes.