Miss, stop committing suicide

Chapter 20

“A gun, huh… ha, haha.”

I laughed for a long time, clutching my stomach.

There’s no need to bring up something like that.

She really doesn’t understand the situation, can’t read the room, and she’s just plain weird.

Well, I guess some men find that kind of thing charming.

“Purpose? Purpose, you say? Isn’t it a little improper to ask something like that? Ha, haha.”

It’s ridiculous that she’d bring it up so directly.

“Vivian, aren’t you going to laugh?”

“Is this really something to laugh about?”

“You barge into someone’s room without permission, enter their bathroom uninvited and see them naked, and now you’re touching their belongings without asking. If that’s not funny, then what is?

And ‘purpose’? Purpose, you say? Did you think I’d use it to shoot someone or something?”

I threw my coffee cup straight to the floor.

It didn’t shatter dramatically but instead broke with a dull cracking sound.

Even so, Vivian flinched, as if she’d been threatened.

“Don’t worry. At the very least, it’s not you.”

Ah, I’m going to get divine punishment for this again, aren’t I?

Last time, all I did was slap someone’s cheek, and my entire family was wiped out. If I argue with her now, maybe the sky will send a lightning bolt down on me.

“You’re right. Smiling is better than getting angry.

After all, when a powerless, foolish young lady loses everything, all she can do is laugh.”

Without a gun, I’m nothing.

I can’t use proper magic, I’m not particularly smart, and all I’m good at is running my mouth.

Without a gun, I’m nothing.

Yeah, that’s all I’m good at.

All I know how to do is… mock, complain, and act like a spoiled girl—

Well, I guess that’s fitting since I am a girl.

That’s right. I’d forgotten, as usual.

“Oops. I really did drop the cup by accident. It surprised you, right? Sorry about that.”

The miracle of gunpowder-based weapons is astounding. With just one pull of the trigger, it grants the power to turn a living being into an inanimate object, be it a child, a woman, or an old man.

So I threw a little sarcasm at the wicked woman who had stripped me of my “blessing.”

“I wonder where my gun is.

It’s a memento from my father, you know.

If a thief takes away the only memento I have left of him, I’d be really, really sad.”

Was it the word “thief” that got to her?

Vivian, who’d looked subdued until now, suddenly bristled with a defensive tone.

Her reaction was so different from before that I flinched without thinking.

Maybe Vivian was more frightened than I’d realized.

Her eyes shook slightly, and her voice was unsteady as she protested.

“A-a thief? What do you mean?”

So I explained it to her.

“Vivian, a thief is someone who takes things that don’t belong to them.

And you, without my permission, barged into my room and moved the one memento my father left behind. I think calling it a robbery wouldn’t be too far off, don’t you?”

Only then did Vivian start fumbling for words, eventually confessing where she’d put it.

“A robbery?! No, I just, I just moved it to the bed.

I thought… I thought it’d be safer there for you…”

I glance at the bed.

Sure enough, it’s just been moved slightly to the side.

But that’s not the point.

What matters is that she touched my things without permission.

She broke into my room, moved my belongings without asking, and now she’s making excuses.

Vivian’s voice falters.

I already know what she’s going to say next, but I play dumb, letting out a hollow laugh as I challenge her.

“’Just in case’ what? Haha. ‘Just in case’ what exactly?”

“……”

“Vivian, did you learn anything when you got slapped last time?

Like, oh, maybe that there’s a line you shouldn’t cross with certain people?

Not just physical boundaries, but verbal ones too.”

I get up from the chair and walk to the bed.

I picked up the gun.

The feel of the ivory grip fitting perfectly into my hand makes my nerves feel sharper, more alive.

Every time Vivian sees me holding and fiddling with a gun, she flinches.

Her reaction’s a mess of fear, sadness, and anger, all mixed together.

“When you got closer to Evan, when he wouldn’t even spare me a glance and only talked about how lovely you were, and even when I asked you to stay away from him, I never resorted to direct violence.

The only time I hit you was because you touched me without permission.

That’s what’s called a boundary.

Everyone’s boundaries are different, but you’re supposed to figure them out on your own.”

I gripped the gun in my right hand, spinning the barrel with my left.

I didn’t look at Vivian. I just fidgeted with the golden embellishments on the gun.

I’m not particularly interested, but I didn’t want to see her face.

Still, I had to say something, whether to pressure her or to get her to leave.

“Vivian, why not say something?”

“I’m sorry. But given the situation, it’s easy to misunderstand, isn’t it?”

Misunderstanding? What misunderstanding?

Honestly, I wasn’t planning to die today.

And I’m not even sure if I’ll die.

I hate pain.

“Ah, were you talking about something like this when you said ‘just in case’?”

“…Huh?”

I pressed the gun’s barrel to my temple, closing and opening my eyes slowly before pulling the trigger.

Click.

A 40% chance isn’t as high as I’d thought.

The bullet didn’t fire.

At first, I had a dumbfounded look on my face. Then, it shifted to shock and finally to a simmering, inexplicable rage.

Come to think of it, protagonists aren’t supposed to be perfect. It’s a romance novel, after all. A few empty spaces in their heart are to be expected.

She’d been bullied by the village kids, saw her father’s suicide with her own eyes, and I’d say that’s more than enough to leave a lasting trauma.

Her eyes turned bloodshot as she gasped for air and rushed toward me.

She snatched the gun from my hand and threw it across the room.

Then she pinned me down on the bed.

With no strength or energy left in me, my wrists were easily restrained.

I wriggled slightly, but there’s no way I could overpower a healthy, energetic girl at her peak.

It didn’t help that my recent diet consisted solely of chocolate and coffee.

Vivian’s expression hardened, her gaze sharp with something that resembled madness.

Her eyes, wide and wild, stared down at me as she growled.

“Are you insane?!”

Her spit hit my face.

I didn’t mind it and answered her calmly.

The thought that I might be the only one in this world who’s seen this side of her made me smile.

“Vivian, I’m telling you.

People have boundaries.

Don’t talk to me like that. Let go of my arms.

Not that I have the strength to hit you right now anyway.

Oh, and leave my room.”

“You… You… Don’t joke around with me. No matter how bad things are…”

“Yeah, no matter how bad things are, this is just ridiculous.”

All because I slapped you once, tried to keep you away from Evan, and now everything’s gone.

How am I supposed to accept that?

All I wanted was to be loved.

I’d hidden that feeling for so long, convinced it could never happen, but when you came, I realized it was possible. So I tried to push you away from Evan.

Haha, maybe even that feeling was something someone else gave me.

What a farce.

My family’s collapse, my brother’s unjust execution, and the reason this girl is suffering—

And the reason I’m here, living as her—

That’s all…

Blaming someone won’t change anything. It’ll only trap me.

So I’ll just say it’s my fault.

It’s my fault for reading that novel at that time. It’s my fault for becoming her.

Honestly, I could’ve ended up as Evan or the crown prince or even a street beggar.

“Words don’t work anymore.

Was it yesterday? Two days ago? No, maybe a week ago?

I don’t know.

All I know is that when I speak, people just trap me in a locker now.

The woman who stole my love is now pinning me down, barking at me like she’s in charge.”

“But that’s no reason to kill yourself…”

She’s come back to her senses, I guess. Her eyes, which had been cloudy, clear up, and she’s speaking formally again.

It’s a little more comfortable to listen to now.

The speaker still bothers me, though.

“I’ll listen to anything you have to say, so please, just… calm down.”

“Anything?”

If it were the old me, I’d have made some crass joke like, “Then let me touch your chest,” and brushed it off with humor.

But now, the only words that come to mind are the ones that would hurt her.

“Then, Vivian, go out onto the terrace and jump off.

You don’t have to die. Just get hurt a little.”

“What?”

“Haha, don’t pretend you didn’t hear me.”

Her face contorts into a mix of disbelief, confusion, and fear of the incomprehensible.

“Why do you think I wouldn’t hate you?

Is it because everyone at this academy except me loves you and adores you?”

I place the gun back on the table.

Not because I’m afraid to shoot it, but because I don’t feel like it.

“That’s impossible.

Everything that’s happened to me is because of you, Vivian.

If it were just bad luck, I’d be able to accept it.

But I’ve realized that all of this was planned from the start.”

I’m thirsty.

Where’s my coffee?

Ah, I broke the cup, didn’t I?

Fortunately, there are still two more cups left.

I could afford to break another.

I brew some coffee, pouring hot water into the stale-smelling filter.

It tastes awful, but I drink it in one gulp.

I think I burned my mouth a little.

“I’m rambling.

This probably sounds like nonsense, but, well…

The point is, I hate you.”

Vivian’s gaze is the look of someone staring at a completely insane person.

“Yeah, that’s it.

Not just you, but everyone. I hate everything. The whole world.

Get out.

If you don’t, I’ll bite my tongue and die right here.”

“But… but…”

I stare at her with a firm, unyielding gaze.

Vivian’s face twists with confusion, her resolve crumbling as she hesitates.

Then, finally, she turns and leaves the room.

Even after her figure disappears, I keep my eyes fixed in that direction for a long, long time.