Hope born of solitus

*

The day begins in the bedroom, after all where else would you sleep? My thoughts were like a heavy mass of white inconsequential noise. I struggle to lift my head off the soft sheets wrapping my bed and body. My fingers sank into the smooth velvety texture akin to pancakes, forcing my strength into my elbows, my meagre muscles flexed and brought my torso up into a sitting position.

The sun peaked through the blinds, as if it was a harsh reminder that jolted my eyelids open. The stale air of this room felt familiar. I waved away my thoughts, devoid of contents as they were, drawing my gaze to the open book on the desk.

***

*dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun~*

The daily bell marked the start of class, I shifted my thighs closer as I shielded my skin from the cold. The weather was cold. Though I didn't spout mist from my breath, nor did I mind the frosty horizon peaking under the clouds, my body shifted around ever so slightly.

The teacher's words drone into an incongruous symphony in the background. It felt like my eyes were stuck to the window, admiring the peeking golden river under the sea of cotton. My memory is roughly photographic, I committed the contents of today's lessons completely to heart.

"... Tia... Tia... Astia.... Lastia!!

Even if your tests are good, it doesn't mean you can have the gall to disrespect my lesson!" (Teacher)

One of the numerous teachers, I have no trouble with lessons but I do have a little difficulty with faces. Most of all... When did I take-

" Ah, this question. I did this just before lesson, if you don't mind? " (Lastia)

I stood up to finish the questions displayed on the whiteboard. The blackboard to the side had been delegated to keeping track of dates... Test dates... 5th August... 2 more months until the final exams for the first year. It felt... Odd. It couldn't be described. Did I... Have a fear of dates? Was I the type to never keep track of dates and then feel unease? No... It can't be. Ridiculous, the boredom must be getting to me.

My wrist twitched a little as I laid the whiteboard marker down. Why? This involuntary spasm, where did it come from? Am I worried about something? Something so significant it would affect my motor skills...?

It felt like my vision was slightly wobbly, at the same time if I focus, it stops hovering around all at once. As if my consciousness is both drifting and still. I blink my eyes, and it all halts at once. My legs trudge over the tiled floor, square by square until it skipped a square... I look up and away from the floor. Over there, a place of comfort away from prying eyes, my seat.

"A... Are you okay? You seem a little absent minded since you entered the class..." (Arin)

"I... I think so. It's fine, I can keep going. It's just class, there isn't really anything physically straining." (Lastia)

I don't know if I was trying to soothe her anxiousness or mine. Her worries stem from consent, I do not know the origin of my own. This fluttery sensation enwrapping my heart, not leaving it a chance to feel grounded and safe. It alleviated a lot when I sat back down, but it was a little hard to keep this irrational episode out of my mind.

"Psst... Hey...!" (Arin)

I caught a whisper at the corner of my sight, somewhere nearby. We sat around the centre, with Arin taking the seat on my right. It was difficult to communicate under the noses of the teachers, but Arin needed to pay extra attention to those lessons. Right, little quirks like these were in my diary, they seem to be very important... The test dates aren't in my diary, perhaps I neglected them due to overconfidence in my photographic memory. But why...

I can't ignore it, I have to conceptualise these thoughts, at least organise and tackle them in my mind to some extent. I-

"If you're up for it, why don't we play hookie after lunch? You don't seem to be doing too well, and what's missing one day of lessons?" (Arin)

"Fufu... You're right. Thanks..." (Lastia)

Her eyes widen by a modicum, even the minute details are caught by my eyes. She holds her breath for 0.5 seconds before turning her face back to the front and exhaling. I don't think these traits... The photographic memory and observational capability... Is normal.

I drown myself in routine, writing down learning content in a separate notebook. My diary is kept safely at home. There isn't only one page worth of information on Arin, there's around 10 or perhaps more, the volume of it was sprinkled throughout so it couldn't really be estimated accurately. Sometimes my handwriting is large, sometimes small, other times as neat as a printer, at times near intelligible.

However... Right. I've been running from it for a long while but it has been happening for an even longer time. I don't remember ever taking any of the tests teacher mentioned... If I looked deeper... No, I can't squander this time like this. Let's leave these thoughts in the diary tonight. Before I sleep, I must make use of my remaining time...

Our shoes trudged through the grass under the bright blue skies, the flowing of water and the splashing of fountains flooded the backdrop of noise. There weren't many people at the park other than us and the animals around. It was a super large but open air park that stood between school and home, the path has been used by so many students that other infrastructure like railings and stairs have been built to facilitate the heavy footfall. In other words, the route to school looks little like a park due to its modifications, but simply straying from the path for a bit will change the scenery.

Behind the wall of trees, the verdant barrier of carefully trimmed leaves. The steady rocking of swings, the energetic movements of elderly exercising in the distance. Peaceful, serene. These were my thoughts, the silence filled my mind, so much so that the anxiety was all gone. I feel rather ashamed, I couldn't explain to Arin even if I wanted to. Was I having a mid life crisis? Some existential dread? Because all I felt was that very fear polluting my every movement...

"Thank you. You sure know how to take care of me. I don't think I could be here without you." (Lastia)

The stories said so. Of how precious Arin was. I wish I could experience it all over. I wish I could feel what I felt at those times, give Arin a big hug. But I can't.

"... You're welcome. This... Isn't the first time. But that's okay. Just let it go and enjoy the view. Then let's hit the arcade later!" (Arin)

Ah... I must have failed somewhere... Once. How much do you know? I can see it clearly on your face... That I've caused you pain.