Harry Potter: The Blogger of Hogwarts

Dear Mr. Flamel,

So this is kind of awkward. Remember that Philosopher's Stone you had? The one you loaned to Albus Dumbledore? Well, Dumbledore has been sort of losing some of his marbles lately. I'm a student at his school – Harry Potter, you may have read my world famous blog – and he's really not done a good job of securing your property. He hid it in a passageway under the third floor corridor, then proceeded to warn everyone that the third floor corridor was off-limits because it was so deadly.

He also hired a guy to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts who had Voldemort on the back of his head. My friends and I were concerned about your stone's safety – especially after Dumbledore started rambling about it to me, and if he did that to me, who knows what random people off the street he'd do it to? So we may have…procured it.

But look, before you send an army of gargoyles after us or whatever you alchemists do, let me explain! We were super worried one of the other teachers would steal it because he was acting super shady (turns out he was shady, but about something else) so we decided to rescue it, not steal it. As Nicholas Cage said in the greatest movie ever made, we're treasure protectors, not treasure hunters. And, dude, the protections were so lame. We got past it with nothing more than a gas mask and a couple of first years spells.

So anyway, here's your stone, safe and sound, and maybe next time you get the idea of hiding your stone somewhere, you could pick a fancy Swiss Muggle bank of something? Whatever. It's none of my business. Just pretty please don't kill us. We meant well!

Harry Potter

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Dear Mr. Potter,

[Congratulations on finding | May your worst nightmares come true for stealing] what you thought was the Philosopher's Stone™! (The Philosopher's Stone™ is a registered trademark of Flamel Enterprises!) Our founder, Nicholas Flamel, could have released the formula for making the Philosopher's Stone™ to the world, but such an action would have resulted in dramatic overpopulation which would have ultimately caused the extinction of humanity. He also could have destroyed the Philosopher's Stone™, but, come on, would you destroy your ticket to eternal youth? Obviously not since you already [found | stole] the decoy.

Besides, Mr. Flamel has more than made up for it in other ways, including finding the cure to various diseases. Have you heard of the Obuchowski plague? Indeed you have not because Mr. Flamel found the cure and inoculated the entire world by releasing it into the atmosphere before the plague could wipe out humanity.

In order to ensure the Philosopher's Stone's™ security, Mr. Flamel decided to create a variety of decoys to make sure it would stay in safe hands. Over fifteen thousand of these decoys have been made so far. They have been hidden in a motley variety of places, including the steppes of Russia, the Mystery Shack in Gravity Falls, Oregon, and where you [found | stole] your decoy given to Albus Dumbledore in Hogwarts. Many thieves have tried to steal the decoys. Very few of them have survived very long and most of them don't even live long enough to realize they have a decoy.

Since you have [found | stolen] one of these decoys, you [get a prize | have chosen death.] In honor of this not quite all that monumental achievement you [have won this commemorative T-shirt stating "I Found the Philosopher's Stone™ and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" | will be hunted to the ends of the earth and all traces of your memory will be forcibly removed.] [Thank you for participating in our little game! | In the future, if you are spoken of, it will only be in hushed tones as a cautionary tale and only when children are not present.]

[May you find peace and happiness | May you die burning in agony with fire ants devouring you slowly with your pain receptors enhanced a hundred fold],

Perenelle Flamel, Vice President, Flamel Enterprises

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