Harry Potter: The Blogger of Hogwarts

Dear Mum and Dad,

It's me, your daughter Hermione! Well, matters certainly have gotten interesting here at Hogwarts. I'm happy to announce that I've already made two excellent friends, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. The three of us were sorted into Slytherin house. It's traditionally regarded as the "evil" house and has not always been very friendly to Muggleborns like me, but my friends and I are determined to change this!

I'm not so sure Headmaster Dumbledore is willing to do the same, though. His behavior has been, well, I'm not going to sugarcoat it…quite alarming. First, at the welcome feast, he specifically stated one of the corridors is out of bounds for anyone who does not wish to die a painful death. That's just asking for children to go and search it out!

But even worse, I was summoned to his office not one hour ago along with Ron. And it turns out he wants both of us to spy on Harry! Apparently, since he was sorted into Slytherin, he is "susceptible to dark influences" who might want to "kill, or, worse, corrupt our Savior." I swear, this man has lost the plot! I don't think he even knows we're among those "dark influences" in question. He offered us money. From Harry's vault! It's obscene and frankly, I'm frightened! I pretended as if I accepted the offer, and after some gentle prompting from me, Ron did the same. Of course we told Harry straight away. He seemed to find the whole thing rather funny.

But I'm terrified Dumbledore saw through our ruses. I know you're probably thinking I should leave, and I understand why you might think that, but I have to stay. I can't leave Harry all alone. The next people Dumbledore might ask to spy on him might mean it! What on earth should I do?

Love,

Hermione

...

Dear Hermione,

Have no fear, your father and I will not require you to withdraw from Hogwarts, so long as you continue to keep us consistently informed.

This Dumbledore seems like a very confused man and I wonder if he might be losing his mind in his old age. Perhaps there is a higher authority you can reach out to, a school board of some sort. Failing that, perhaps you should record your next conversation with him and send it to the press.

If you believe yourself to be in danger, remember: a strike to the groin in time can save nine!

Lots of love,

Mum

...

By Beatrice Lola Yang, Hogwarts Gazette reporter

In a stunning turn of events, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, was sorted into Slytherin house, the house of the murderer of his parents. This reporter can verify that there was no tampering with the Sorting Hat, who, when questioned about the sorting, threatened to render her completely unable to even think about enchiladas (her favorite food) without experiencing a sensation of pure agony if she dared question its integrity ever again.

Harry's sorting was not the only unexpected sorting into the Slytherin House of the day. Hermione Granger was the first Muggleborn to be sorted into Slytherin since You Know Who's initial rise and Ron Weasley was the first member of the Weasley family to be sorted in Slytherin in the past ninety years. When asked to give a quote regarding his brother's sorting, Percy Weasley jumped off a moving staircase rather than speak to the press in a stunning act of cowardice, which must have been as painful literally as it was to watch metaphorically. However, Fred and George Weasley, speaking interchangeably in a deliberate effort to antagonize this reporter, said, more or less, "Whatever house he may be in, Ron is still our brother and no one has the right to mercilessly taunt him but us."

We reached out to Drs. Danielle and Emmet Granger, Hermione's parents, who gave us this statement: "We are of course proud of our daughter, though her house is not particularly relevant to us. Just like the mighty ibex, if she falls, it will only be so that she may rise again to higher heights." Though this reporter is unfamiliar with this particular expression, and neither are any of our Muggleborn staff members, we can only assume this is a kind gesture of support.

Professor Aurora Sinistra, manifesting out of nowhere through unknown means in our newsroom the instant one of our staff suggested interviewing her, said "You will rue the day you ever crossed Aurora Sinistra, Herr von Falkenburg!" Then she blinked and appeared to remember where she was. "I mean, I am exceptionally proud to be hosting a Muggleborn student once more. Slytherin may have a reputation for bigotry, but that reputation will soon be destroyed." She shook her fist in the air. "All enemies of the glorious new era that Slytherin will bring into being will be destroyed," she added in a sepulcher tone.

"Could you, um, maybe elaborate on that?" this reporter asked.

"No," Professor Sinistra intoned and then she disappeared in a huge flash of light.

Slytherin house is, of course, notorious for its bigotry against Muggleborns during the era of You Know Who, a stigma dating back to the days of its founder, Salazar Slytherin, who purportedly left Hogwarts amid a dispute between him and the other founders regarding whether or not Muggleborn students should be let into the school. However, Bathilda Bagshot, noted historian and author of first year history textbook, A History of Magic, believes there is more to that account than meets the eye.

"Of course you have to take into account the context of the era," Bagshot explained. "Many peasants targeted mages – both real mages and Muggles mistaken for mages – during the founding times, despite the official stance of the Church that mages did not exist. As such, Slytherin may not have been motivated by hatred so much as legitimate security concerns of taking in students with parents who may, as the Bible so vividly says, suffer not a witch to live."

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