Always Not Enough

I should've been focused on cleaning up the classroom.

It was routine—wiping down easels, capping paint jars, stacking brushes back in their proper containers. Usually, the rhythmic motions calmed me. Usually, it was enough to clear my mind.

But not tonight.

Tonight, my hands trembled with every jar I closed, my breath came too shallow, and my reflection in the window refused to stop staring back at me, judging.

"Mr. Grayson," I whispered under my breath, the words like a bitter taste on my tongue.

I'd practiced that kind of formality for years—keeping people at a distance, locking away parts of myself I didn't want them to see. But it felt hollow, lifeless when I said it to him.

Malyen.

Even thinking his name felt like peeling back a scar I'd thought had healed.

My phone buzzed, vibrating from its spot on my desk. I threw the rag in my hand back in its hamper and grabbed my phone to see if Cedric was calling me.

Cedric. The man who picked me up after I fell from Malyen.

I hesitated for a second before answering.

Bringing the phone to my ear, I mustered up the sweetest voice possible. "Hey," my voice was soft and a little shaky.

"Hi baby," his warm voice came through, soothing my beating heart as I shut my eyes, releasing the breath I was holding. "I'm leaving the office. How was your day?"

I sat in my chair and leaned back, staring at the ceiling. "It was alright," I lied. I was going through about fifty different anxiety attacks at once just a moment ago.

"Yeah? You sound upset. Is something wrong?"

"No, I just…I want to see you."

I could practically feel him smiling through the phone. "Then come over," he said, his voice playful but gentle. "I'll cook. Or, well, I'll order takeout and pretend I cooked until you catch me. You know, like a terrible magician whose tricks are way too obvious."

That got a smile and giggle out of me. "You're terrible at lying, Ced."

"Only when I'm lying to you, my love," his tone turning softer, "So? What do you think? Dinner and… I don't know, a little binging of our favorite cop show that you've watched a thousand and one times and still love and I am watching for the first time?"

I gasped, folding completely. "SVU?"

He mimics the double booming sound that plays at the end of the opening lines of every episode, which makes me laugh.

"You know me all too well, sir." I switch to my pretty good British accent.

"I like to think so." There was a pause, a comfortable silence that stretched for a moment before he added, "Seriously, though. You don't sound like yourself, Jove. If something's wrong, you can tell me."

Jove. It's a nickname Cedric came up for me all on his own. He said it's another name for the Roman god's name that was Jupiter. Cedric loves history, it was one of many majors in college.

My chest tightened at his words, the concern in his voice. He was always like this— sweet, attentive, the kind of man who made you feel seen. But tonight, it felt like I couldn't let him in. Not fully. Not with Malyen's voice still echoing in my head, with the way he'd looked at me still burned into my mind.

"It's nothing, Ced," I said calmly, "Just one of those days."

"Well," he said after a moment, his voice lightening again, "if it helps, I had a terrible day too. Total disaster."

"Oh, really?" I said, my lips twitching into a small smile. "What happened?"

"You remember the big meeting I told you about? The one with the board?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I nailed my presentation. Obviously. But then, right as I was leaving the conference room, I tripped over the chair leg and knocked over the CEO's coffee. Directly onto his very expensive tie."

My hand flew to my mouth as I stifled a laugh. "Cedric! You didn't!"

"Oh, but I did. And let me tell you, it was spectacular. Slow motion, full tilt, right into his lap. I think I might have scarred the man for life."

"I'm sure he'll survive," I said, my laugh coming easier now.

"Yeah, but will I survive?" Cedric countered, his voice mock-serious. "That's the real question. I think I might need you to come over and patch me up, nurse Jupiter. My pride is mortally wounded."

"Your pride is indestructible," I teased.

"Not when it comes to you."

That made me pause, my smile faltering for just a second.

"You're too good to me, you know that?" I said softly, placing my forehead on the desk, under my arms, and cradling the phone closer.

"I do know that," he said cheekily, and I could hear the grin in his voice. "But I don't hear you complaining."

"Never," I said, shaking my head even though he couldn't see it.

"Good. Now, come over," he said, his tone turning playful again. "Let me dazzle you with my takeout-ordering skills and my perfectly timed jokes that are definitely not rehearsed."

I hesitated for just a moment, the warmth of his offer pulling at me even as my mind stayed tangled in thoughts of Malyen.

"Okay," I said finally.

"That's my girl," he said, the smile in his voice wrapping around me like a hug. "Text me when you're on your way. Drive safe, yeah?"

"Always."

"And, Jupiter?"

"Yeah?"

"I missed you today," he said, his voice soft but steady. "Can't wait to see you."

The words sat heavy in my chest, sweet but bittersweet.

"Me too," I said quietly.

I barely had time to knock before the door swung open.

"Jove," Cedric said, his voice warm and full of excitement like he'd been waiting all day for this moment.

Before I could say a word, his hands were on my waist, pulling me in as he leaned down and kissed me.

It wasn't just a quick, polite greeting. His lips lingered, soft and insistent, brushing against mine like they'd been aching for me. One of his hands slid to the small of my back, holding me close, while the other cradled my jaw, his thumb gently stroking my cheek.

"Hi," I whispered when he finally pulled back, his lips still hovering just over mine.

"Hi," he murmured, his voice low and sweet. His brown eyes searched mine like he was trying to memorize every detail. "God, I missed you today."

I laughed softly, my hands resting on his chest. "It's only been a few hours."

"Doesn't matter," he said, his lips quirking into a small, boyish grin. "Any time I spend away from you feels like too much."

He stepped aside, letting me into the apartment, but his hand stayed on my lower back, guiding me inside like he couldn't stand to let me go.

"You're cold," he said, rubbing his hands up and down my arms as he helped me out of my coat. "I told you to wear that big one I got you."

"You're so dramatic," I teased, smiling as he hung up my coat.

"Dramatic? No. Protective? Definitely." He turned back to me, his hands sliding down my arms until they found mine. His thumbs brushed over my knuckles as he tugged me a step closer. "I just want to keep you warm, Jove."

"You're sweet," I said, my voice softening.

"I know," he said, grinning. "But you like it."

I laughed, shaking my head as he led me into the kitchen, where the smell of Thai food immediately hit me.

"Pad see ew, extra broccoli," he said, gesturing to the takeout containers he'd already unpacked. "And yes, I ordered it this time, so you won't have to accuse me of poisoning you again."

"Confusion and regret," I corrected, sitting on one of the barstools. "I said your stir fry tasted like confusion and regret."

Cedric pressed a hand to his chest, feigning offense. "And I've never recovered, thank you very much."

I rolled my eyes, but the laugh slipped out before I could stop it.

"There it is," he said softly, his gaze lingering on me. "That laugh. I swear, Jove, it's the best thing I've heard all day."

Dinner was easy like it always was with Cedric. Between bites of Pad see ew, we traded stories—his about work, mine about my students. By the time we finished, the tension I'd carried all day felt a little lighter.

After dinner, Cedric grabbed my hand, leading me to the couch.

"Okay," he said, settling beside me and pulling me close. "Moment of truth. Are we going full binge-mode tonight, or are we pretending we're responsible adults and watching just one episode of SVU?"

I laughed, curling into his side as he draped the blanket over us. "Let's start with one and see how we feel."

"Translation: we're watching at least three," he said, reaching for the remote.

"You're the one who suggested this," I teased, poking him in the side.

"Yeah, but only because I know it makes you happy," he said, glancing down at me. "And I like seeing you happy, Jove."

I felt my cheeks warm under his gaze, and I quickly looked back at the TV. "You're impossible."

"And yet," he said softly, grinning, "here I am."

The episode started, and for the first twenty minutes, we were glued to the screen, our fingers unconsciously tangled as we watched as hot Miss Olivia Benson interrogated a witness with her also hot partner Elliot Stabler. What a duo, huh? Cedric, as always, provided commentary.

"Okay," he said, leaning forward slightly. "This guy? Totally guilty."

"It's never the first guy," I said, shaking my head.

"Yeah, but look at him!" he said, gesturing to the screen. "Shifty eyes. Nervous fidgeting. He's practically screaming guilty."

"And that's exactly why it's not him," I said, my voice smug.

He sighed dramatically, leaning back against the couch. "Fine. But if I'm right, you owe me dessert."

"If you're right, I'll owe you an apology for underestimating your powers of deduction," I said, grinning.

"Deal," he said, his hand tightening slightly around mine.

Somewhere between the end of the first episode and the start of the second, Cedric turned toward me, his hand sliding from my shoulder to my waist.

"Jove," he murmured, his voice low and warm.

"Hmm?" I tilted my head to look at him, and the softness in his gaze made my breath hitch.

"I've been thinking about you all day," he said, his thumb brushing against my side in slow, deliberate strokes.

I opened my mouth to respond, but before I could, he leaned down, capturing my lips in a kiss that was both tender and insistent.

His hand slid up my back, cradling the nape of my neck as he pulled me closer. I let him, my fingers brushing against the back of his neck as his lips moved against mine, slow and steady, like he had all the time in the world.

"God, Jove," he murmured against my lips, his voice rougher now. "You drive me crazy, you know that?"

"Cedric," I moaned softly, he kissed down my jaw to my neck.02

He came back to my lips again, deeper this time, his other arm wrapping around my waist as he pulled me onto his lap. My heart raced, the warmth of his hands, his lips, his everything sinking into me like a wave.

But then—

A flash of memory.

A different pair of hands.

A different voice.

"Jupiter."

The warmth vanished, replaced by a chill that spread through my chest, freezing me in place.

I broke the kiss, pulling back as my breathing grew uneven.

"Jove?" Cedric said softly, his brows knitting together in concern. His hands didn't move from my waist, but the pressure lightened, giving me space.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice trembling. "I just—I can't right now."

"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice still gentle but probing. "Did I—did I do something?"

"No," I said quickly, shaking my head. "You didn't do anything, Ced. I just… I've had a long day, and I—" I swallowed, trying to steady my voice. "I don't think I can handle… this right now."

"Jupiter, you're crying. Come on, talk to me." His statement made me immediately reach for my cheek, which there was a tear that streamed from my eye. Fuck.

"I'm okay."

He studied me for a long moment, his brown eyes searching mine like he was trying to piece together a puzzle.

"You've been off since we talked earlier," he said, his tone soft but pressing. "Jove, you can tell me if something's wrong. Please."

I glanced down, avoiding his gaze as I pulled the blanket tighter around myself. "It's nothing. I just—" I hesitated, my throat tightening. "I'm tired, that's all."

Cedric sighed, his hands sliding gently from my waist to my arms. He rubbed them softly, warming the skin beneath my sweater. "Okay," he said finally, his voice low and even. "If you say it's nothing, I believe you. For now."

I looked up at him, my chest tightening at the worry etched into his features.

"I'm sorry," I said again, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Don't be," he said quickly, shaking his head. "You don't have to apologize, Jove. Not to me."

His words wrapped around me, soothing and steady, and I felt myself exhale for what felt like the first time all night.

Cedric shifted, pulling me back into his arms. This time, there was no heat in the gesture—just warmth. Comfort.

"You're staying," he said softly, his lips brushing against my temple. "Right?"

I nodded, my cheek pressing against his chest as I let myself settle into him.

"Good," he said, his hand rubbing slow circles against my back. "Because I don't want you going anywhere."

We stayed like that for a while, the TV flickering quietly in the background as his steady breathing filled the silence between us.

Eventually, he leaned down, resting his chin on the top of my head. "I love you, you know," he said softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

I closed my eyes, my fingers curling slightly against his sweater.

"I know," I murmured.

And I wanted to say it back. I did.

But the words caught in my throat, tangled in the weight of everything I wasn't ready to say.

When the second episode ended, Cedric shifted again, glancing down at me. "Come on," he said, brushing a strand of hair out of my face. "Let's go to bed."

I hesitated, and he must have seen it because he quickly added, "Just sleep, Jove. Nothing else. I promise."

The sincerity in his voice eased the knot in my chest, and I nodded. "Okay."

He smiled softly, standing and then suddenly scooped me up, bridal style, making me squeal and laugh as he took us to his bedroom.

I always enjoyed the softness and comfortability of his bed more than my own.Maybe it was because I didn't like sleeping on my own anymore, because sometimes Malyen and I would hang out so late as kids that our moms would find us sleeping next to each other so peacefully.

 The soft glow of the bedside lamp casting the room in a warm light. Cedric set me down on the end of the bed and pulled back the covers, as I began to strip myself down to my underwear and tank top. He dressed down to some shorts before waiting for me to climb in first before sliding in beside me.

He wrapped an arm around me, pulling me close until my head rested on his chest.

"You're safe here," he said softly, his lips brushing against my hair. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah," I murmured, my voice barely audible.

And for the first time in months, I believed it.